


There and Back Again: A Fairy Tale

by NikkoAki



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Comedy, Crack, Dubious Consent, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-07-15 01:39:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikkoAki/pseuds/NikkoAki
Summary: Yuuri was only trying to help his family when he climbed the mysterious beanstalk. What he did instead was set forth a chain of events that spans across the land before coming back to bite him in the ass.With amazing art by Dyeingdoll.





	1. Yuuri and the Beanstalk

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to Sprosslee and Daffy for beta-ing!
> 
> Updates will happen 2-3 times a week!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri climbs a magic beanstalk in an attempt to help his family. What he finds at the top, though, he never could have expected.

Once upon a time in a faraway place, there was a boy named Yuuri. His family ran the village inn and baths, but the economy being as it was, things were tight.

One day his mother told him he would have to sell his beloved dog, Vicchan.

Yuuri was heartbroken, but determined to help his family. He took Vicchan out, tears in his eyes, and he looked for someone who would give him a good home. He spoke first to the cobbler, but he had no use for a dog. Then he spoke to the florist, but again no use. He went next to the vegetable seller, but no luck there either.

As they were leaving the vegetable seller, Yuuri saw Vicchan sniffing something on the ground. It was some beans. Yuuri reached down to pick them up, but Vicchan suddenly gulped them down. Then, to Yuuri's horror, Vicchan began to choke!

Yuuri tried everything he could think of. He tried the Heimlich maneuver, and opening Vicchan's mouth to find the beans, but nothing worked. Vicchan breathed his last in Yuuri's arms as Yuuri sobbed broken tears onto his beloved friend.

No richer than he left, and all the poorer in fact, Yuuri carried Vicchan's body home to the inn.  
His mother gasped when she saw him return, and ran out to meet him, "Oh, Yuuri! What happened?"

"There were some beans on the ground in the market, and he ate them before I could stop him! I tried everything, but nothing worked! I'm so useless, I couldn't save him," Yuuri sobbed.  
Yuuri's mother gave him a hug, and took him into the yard to find a place to bury the small dog. 

There was a little plot of soft dirt in the flower garden, and there Yuuri made a small hole and placed Vicchan's body inside. He covered it reverently and placed a small rock over it to mark the grave.

Yuuri's mother led him back inside, but even his favorite katsudon for dinner couldn't bring any joy to Yuuri's heart. He had failed both his family and friend that day. Instead of katsudon, he ate only broccoli and went to bed early.

The next morning, Yuuri was awoken by his mother shaking him, "Yuuri! Look!" She pointed out his small window toward the flower patch.

Yuuri looked, and gasped. The flower patch was gone, and in its place rose a giant green stem. "What is that?!" he cried out, plastering his face to the window to try to see the top, but it disappeared beyond his view.

"Your father says it looks like a beanstalk, because of the leaves, but he's still a bit hung-over so who knows if that's true," she told him. Yuuri quickly dressed and together they went outside.

The stalk towered over the inn and rose up and up until it was lost from sight amid the clouds.

"How far do you think it goes?" Yuuri asked his mother.

"No idea," she shook her head, "I wonder what could be at the top. Do you think it's a really big flower? Or are there really beans up there?"

"We should charge people to take a look," Yuuri's father said, coming outside to join them as they stared up into the sky.

"No one would pay for that," his mother whapped his father fondly on the head. "They can probably see it from the next village!"

Yuuri gazed up at the stalk, his mind turning. If this had come from the beans Vicchan ate in the market then it felt like it was his responsibility to uncover their mysteries.

"Mom, dad," he said softly, "I'm going to climb it."

"Climb it?" his mother asked.

"Yes, I'm going to see what's at the top," Yuuri squared his shoulders, determined that even if he had failed before he would accomplish this.

His mother nodded solemnly, seeing his resolve, “All right, just hold on though." She ran into the house and soon returned with a leather bag. "I packed some katsu sandwiches in case you get hungry, and some other things you might need." She handed him the bag and gave him a hug, "I know you can do it, just come back safely!"

Yuuri made his way to the bottom of the stalk. It stretched up into infinity above him, a seemingly impossible task. He refused to give up though. Yuuri reached up, took a hold of the fibrous stalk and pulled himself off the ground.

He climbed and climbed and climbed. The sun beat down upon him and the stalk stretched forever upward. He stopped occasionally to eat some katsu sandwich, or drink some water, and once to sleep a bit, then continued on and on.

Suddenly, a shadow fell over him and the sun no longer beat against him. He raised his eyes from his shaking grip on the stalk and looked up. There above him, floating impossibly in the sky, was a castle. The end in sight, Yuuri felt his strength renewed and pushed on toward his goal.

Finally he reached the unsettling floating stones at the base of the castle and pulled himself up through the hole where the very tip of the beanstalk rose into it. He lay on the cold stone, his limbs shaking from the climb.

Yuuri jerked awake suddenly. The stone was cold beneath him and the breeze from the hole in the bottom of the castle rustled his hair. He couldn't believe he'd fallen asleep so close to a drop like that. He turned his eyes to what had woken him.

A boy with messy brown hair and soft brown eyes stood over him. A smattering of freckles across his button nose gave him a sweet, innocent air.

"How did you get here?" the boy asked.

"I climbed," Yuuri said simply, pointing toward the hole and the trailing piece of vine growing through it.

"You climbed? From the surface?" the boy moved closer to the hole and peered down, "Are you crazy? Why would you do that?"

“No,” Yuuri said, caught off guard, “The stalk grew out of my dog, I needed to see what was at the top!”

“Out of your dog…” 

Yuuri hesitated. Put that way, it did sound rather crazy.

“Well, now you know what’s at the top, you can leave now,” the boy said with a pout.

“Leave? But… I just got here!” Yuuri floundered. He couldn’t come all this way and go back empty handed! Surely there was something amazing hiding in a floating castle that the boy wouldn’t miss. “I… have some great katsu sandwiches! Would you like one?”

The boy fiddled with the end of his long shirt, biting his lip. “I… guess you could stay for some tea or something…”

“That would be great,” Yuuri levered himself off the cold stone, “My mom makes the best katsu sandwiches around. You will love them, I know it!”

“We’ll see…” the boy gripped the end of his shirt in one white hand, “Follow me.” Yuuri followed him into a cavernous hall. The walls were adorned with rich but faded tapestries and the antiques in small niches were covered with a layer of dust. The sound of their footsteps echoed through the silent corridors. 

“Do you live here alone?” Yuuri asked, “You don’t have any servants?”

The boy’s grip tightened on the frayed hem of his tunic, “No. Just me.”

“Don’t you get lonely?” Yuuri couldn’t imagine living by himself. He’d always been surrounded by his family, the customers of the inn… and his dog.

“No,” was the only response he received, though. Eventually the empty halls gave way to a large kitchen. “Sit, I’ll make some tea,” the quiet boy motioned Yuuri toward the table and went to a large iron kettle by the fire. His free hand never left it’s death grip on his hem, a trait Yuuri was starting to find almost endearing.

Yuuri dropped his bag onto the sturdy wooden table and took out his remaining katsu sandwiches as he sat down. Here there were far more signs of life than the halls. A half empty glass sat on the table near a book with a feather bookmark sticking out. A fire crackled in the hearth with a pot bubbling over it. 

On the counter beside the table was a large pile of feathers. Curious, Yuuri reached out to run a hand over them, only to jump when the pile lifted its head an honked angrily at him.

“Watch your fingers, the bastard bites.” Yuuri turned to find the boy sitting two cups down in front of him as he joined Yuuri at the table.

“Is it… a pet?” Yuuri eyed the angry pile of feathers, which returned a glare and a hiss.

“No one would want such an ill-mannered pet,” the boy scowled, “The only thing it’s good for is eggs and making a mess. Now, drink your tea and go away,” the boy shoved a teacup across the table to Yuuri. 

Yuuri lifted the tea to his mouth, only to be interrupted by the goose reaching out its long neck and attacking his ear. 

“Ow!” The cup dropped from his fingers, careening across the table and splashing into his host’s lap, triggering a matching “OUCH!” and flailing.

“Sorry!” Yuuri flapped his arms wildly, “Quick, take it off before you get burned!” Yuuri reached to help.

“No! It’s fine!” the boy seemed torn between trying to flap the hot liquid from his shirt and keep it pulled as low as possible.

“Just take it off!” Yuuri yanked again and managed to pull the smaller boy up and wrestle the shirt away. He set it on the table quickly, before turning back. 

To his surprise his host was hunched over the bench, arms curled protectively over his lap. 

“What’s wrong? Did some get on your pants? Did you get burned?”

“N-no! It’s n-nothing!” But the boy refused to straighten. 

“If you got burned you have to treat it right away!” Yuuri insisted, pulling at the boy’s arms. After a brief struggle he managed to pry them from their death grip across the smaller boy’s lap, but what he found under them was not what he was expecting.

There were no wet splotches from the tea, the shirt must have caught it all, but instead a long lump lay along the inside of the boy’s left thigh from the crotch of his pants to halfway to the knee. It’s outline clearly visible as it strained the fabric of the pants leg.

“Oh wow…” Yuuri couldn’t think of anything else to say. He thought himself perfectly average, but in comparison to the smaller boy before him he suddenly felt like a newborn. 

“Don’t make fun of me! It’s not my fault!” the boy jerked away from Yuuri’s grip on his wrists and crouched against the wall. “It’s not my fault!” The other boy sobbed, burying his head in his lap.

“I’m not making fun of you,” Yuuri assured him, “I think it’s something you should be proud of!”

“...What?” Confused brown eyes, overflowing with tears, peered suspiciously at Yuuri over their owner’s knees.

“If-if you told any man he could change one thing about himself, do you know how many of them would, you know, cut off their right arm for… for a bigger dick?”

“...Why would they want that?” The other boy seemed honestly confused, but at least he wasn’t crying anymore. 

“Well, I mean… for… the obvious reasons, right?” Yuuri just knew his face was glowing like the fire. He may not have that much experience himself, but he had heard things living in an inn his whole life. 

“What obvious reasons?” The other boy’s confusion was giving way slowly to suspicion. 

Yuuri floundered for a moment, trying to think of a way to explain, when he was saved by a loud growl from the other boy’s stomach. 

“Are you hungry? Come back to the table, I’ll explain what I meant after you eat. You can call me Yuuri, by the way.”

The boy hesitated a moment, then mumbled, “Guang Hong.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Guang Hong,” Yuuri said politely. The boys moved slowly to the table, warily watching Yuuri the whole time. Once he sat, though, his eyes were riveted on the pile of sandwiches. “Oh, please help yourself,” Yuuri said, motioning. In a flash, Guang Hong had a sandwich shoved into his mouth, his eyes closed in bliss. Yuuri understood entirely, he felt the same when eating his mother’s delicious katsu sandwiches.

“What did you mean the obvious reasons?” Guang Hong asked around a mouthful of sandwich. 

Yuuri winced. He’d been hoping to gain a little more time to think, but looks like it wasn’t to be.

“Well, you hear people insult men by saying they have a small penis, right?” He felt his face turning even redder as he tried to look anywhere but at the boy across from him.

“They do? Why?”

Yuuri blinked, studying the boy with new eyes. “Because I guess it doesn’t feel good during sex,” he said bluntly. 

Guang Hong’s eyes went wide, “Oh… oh!” His face flamed to match Yuuri’s.

“Yeah, I mean, it sounds like people… don’t like to have sex with people with small penises… I mean from what I hear! I’ve never had sex with someone with a small penis, so I mean, I don’t know myself! Not that I wouldn’t I mean! Just…” Yuuri waved his hands in front of him in a panic.

“But… why would… b-big be better?” Guang Hong’s voice cracked.

“Ah, I, I’ve heard that… it feels really good? Like… REALLY good? If they use it right? Maybe?” Yuuri couldn’t meet Guang Hong’s eyes, he fixed them instead on the table.

“Oh… I… see.” Guang Hong slowly ate the last bit of his temporarily forgotten sandwich. “So… You don’t think I’m a freak?”

“What?” Yuuri jerked his head up. “No! Not at all! If anything I’m jealous!”

“Jealous…” Guang Hong seemed to study him for a minute. “Do… do you think the people in my village were jealous?”

“Your village?” Yuuri looked to the doorway which stretched into empty corridors vacant of life.

Guang Hong stood suddenly and went to the kettle, silently preparing new cups of tea. Yuuri waited quietly, unsure of what to do. Eventually he came back and slid a cup gently over, eyes lingering briefly on the remaining katsu sandwich.

“Would you like another?” Yuuri asked.

“Thanks,” the boy happily took the second sandwich Yuuri pushed his way, “I’m so sick of eggs.”

The goose hissed at him and stood. With an ungainly flap it jumped off the counter and waddled away with a last glare toward the two boys.

Yuuri stared at the abandoned pile of twigs and feathers. Nestled within was a large golden egg.

“They weren’t always mean to me.”

“Huh?” Yuuri jerked his eyes from the nest to where his host was running a finger nervously along the edge of his teacup and staring into it like a fortune teller.

“When I was little everyone was nice… I had friends, and my family… Then one day we all went to the river. We’d played by the river before, and waded in the water, but now we were going to learn how to swim. Everyone was getting undressed, but… when I did everyone just… stopped. They told me to get dressed and go home. I didn’t understand, then, but after that they started calling me a freak and they’d throw rocks at me… So I ran away and… I’ve been here ever since…” Guang Hong met Yuuri’s eyes hopefully, “But, you don’t think I’m a freak, right?”

There seemed to be a lot missing between running away and ending up in a magical floating castle with a goose that laid golden eggs, but Yuuri knew that wasn’t important right now.

“No, I don’t think you’re a freak at all.” Yuuri met the other boy’s hope-filled gaze. “In fact, I think you’re wonderful.”

“W-what!” The teacup shook as Guang Hong took a nervous gulp, face ablaze from scalp to chest.

Yuuri stood and moved to the other side of the table, sitting beside his quavering host. Guang Hong froze, watching Yuuri anxiously. 

“I said, I think you’re wonderful,” Yuuri slid his hand over to cover Guang Hong’s knee. “You could have kicked me out as soon as I arrived, but you didn’t.” He slid his pinky up to brush against the end of the the other boy’s bulge, making his companion jump.

“I-I-I couldn’t kick you out! Y-you would have died!” Yuuri felt the younger boy quivering beneath him, but also the interested jerk of the bulge beneath his fingers as he slid his hand further up. 

“Yes, but you still could have,” Yuuri leaned in to whisper his next words against a freckled ear. “I’d love to show you all the good you can do with that giant dick of yours.” Said dick pulsed beneath his finger as he let his lips graze the other boy’s ear.

“Y-you mean it?” Guang Hong squeaked.

“Oh yes,” Yuuri took the other boys hand and brought it against his own crotch. “I’m not as wonderful as you, but I’m sure I can show you many things.”

Guang Hong’s hand shook as he slowly rubbed along Yuuri’s bulge. Yuuri moaned and pressed himself into the tentative hand while rubbing his own fingers down the trapped member beneath them.

“We should take this somewhere more comfortable,” Yuuri moaned. “This looks painful.” He flicked a finger against the straining fabric containing the other boy’s length. 

Guang Hong shivered and gasped, “R-right… This way.” He rose stiffly, groaning as the seams scrapped along his throbbing flesh and limped toward the door. Yuuri followed closely as they wound through the halls. Right, left, left, right, left. Finally Guang Hong pushed open a door and led him into a plush bedroom. 

Yuuri wasted barely a glance on his surroundings, too focused on the boy in front of him. “Let’s get you out of those pants so I can see how magnificent you are.” 

Guang Hong hesitated. “Y-you first.” His hand clenched against his leg.

The words had barely left the other boys mouth before Yuuri was pulling his own tunic over his head and dropping his pants to the ground. Normally he’d be self-conscious about the extra fat that lingered on his stomach, but now wasn’t the time for that. “Here, let me help.”

He took Guang Hong’s still shaking hands from where they remained clenched at his side and placed them on his own chest. “Here, touch me. Do whatever you want.” The hands slowly unclenched and tentatively stroked along Yuuri’s skin. He let them play a bit before he slowly lowered himself to his knees. The hands stuttered as he slowly began to peel the other boy’s pants off. The hardness straining the left leg made it difficult, and he worried he was going to hurt his companion a few times, but the only sounds from the other boy’s lips were moans.

Eventually he had the other boy nude before him and he sat back on his heels to take in the scene. Skin as pale as cream and dotted with freckles covered the boy’s lithe frame, but it was impossible to concentrate on that when the main attraction was so eye catching. 

The boy’s length rose like a tower from the thicket of dark hair at his crotch. Yuuri ran a hand up the heated flesh, pressing it upward against Guang Hong’s body, getting a stuttering moan in response. The flushed cock bisected the boy’s soft frame from crotch to a hands length below his pecs. If nothing else, Yuuri was determined to enjoy this likely once in a lifetime experience. 

Yuuri ran his tongue after his hand, base to tip, enjoying the choked scream it elicited. Pausing briefly at the head to deep his tongue in, he then nibbled his way back down and licking up again. He felt the boy’s knees begin to quaver and glanced coyly up. “Shall we take this to the bed?”

Guang Hong nodded rapidly and Yuuri rose, pushing him in the right direction, watching as the boy scrambled into the bed. Yuuri followed him smoothly, running his hands over any stretch of skin he could, reveling in the way the boy fell apart beneath his fingers. 

It didn’t take long to have the freckled body beneath him strung tight. It was time. Yuuri lifted the boy’s hips, forcing him to put all of his weight on his shoulders, trapping the smaller boy beneath him.

“Wh-what are you- AAAAH!” The scream echoed off the stone walls as Yuuri plunged his tongue against the walls of Guang Hong’s channel. He let the spit dribble from his mouth as his nibbled and licked the tiny pucker. 

He brought his body closer, supporting the boy’s weight against his chest and freeing his hand to join his mouth’s exploration. A finger, then two quickly joined his tongue as the body below him shuddered, filling the air with moans and yells.

Yuuri scooted back, lowering the dripping hole from his mouth and meeting the glazed eyes of the boy beneath him.

“No... don’t stop…” the words caught, pained, in a throat ravaged by screams. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not.” Yuuri smirked, and with a quick thrust he drove himself to the hilt into the boy, giving a prayer of thanks to Lubricus, the god that readied assholes for intercourse. The scream then would have drowned out any of those before, Guang Hong’s hand flailed at the mattress, his neck thrown back in a tight line as his voice caught, cutting off his sounds of pleasure. 

Yuuri rolled his hips into the other boy, watching the leaking length between them drip puddles onto the other boy’s chest that slid in rivulets toward his neck and listening to the gasps of “More, more, more” escaping the gaping lips. 

He shifted the boys legs to rest over his shoulder, bending over Guang Hong until the boy was almost vertical. Yuuri reached a hand forward to drag it up the straining rod between them. Looping a finger around the middle, he pulled it up. A drop of liquid fell from the tip, splattering against the swollen lips beneath them.

Leaning his head forward, Yuuri was delighted to find he could catch the tip in his mouth. Not half as delighted as Guang Hong, though. There was no voice left in the soundless scream that arched the boy’s back and accompanied his explosive orgasm. Yuuri let the thick fluid wash through his open mouth and drop back down like melting ice cream. 

The sight of the ravaged boy, covered with his own essence was enough to drive Yuuri to the brink and with a few more quick thrusts he filled the abused hole himself. He held himself still a moment, catching his breath and letting the orgasm ripple through his body before pulling out and slowly lowering Guang Hong’s hips to the bed. The boy’s eyes were glazed and empty with pleasure, his breath panting against lips ravaged from trying to keep from screaming. 

Yuuri stretched out alongside him, wiping a sweaty lock from his face, “Do you understand now?”

The other boy’s eyes struggled to focus on him, the only response a breathy “Oh yes” before the long lashed fluttered closed and he drifted off in a contented haze.

Yuuri rested beside the boy, stroking his hair until he was sure he was asleep. Then he rose with a groan and pulled on his clothes. He snuck from the bedroom, quietly closing the door behind him and followed the path he has memorized back to the kitchen. 

To his relief the surly goose was back on its nest, seemingly asleep. He tiptoed around it, picking up his to where his bag lay empty on the wooden bench. He folded back the flap and held it securely before creeping closer to the snoozing goose. Sound carried far too well in the empty halls, he was unlikely to get another chance. 

Jumping forward quickly, he slammed the empty bag down over the goose, which came awake with a loud honk. He’d barely managed to wrestle the flap down and secure it, trapping the flailing goose within, when he heard a faint call of “Yuuri!?” from within the castle. He was out of time. 

Flinging the bag over his shoulder he darted out of the kitchen, trying to remember the long path back to the room he’d first arrived in. His adrenaline surged with every wrong turn but he finally saw the wavering beanstalk poking through it’s hole in the floor. 

He scrambled over to the edge and sat, preparing to jump to the thin stalk that scarcely looked like it could hold his weight when he heard hurried steps and turned to see Guang Hong, wearing only his rumpled shirt, run into the room. 

“Yuuri!? What are you doing?!” Guang Hong panted.

“I’m sorry, but I need to do this!” Yuuri wished there was another way, but his mind was made up. The goose gave an angry honk from the bag.

“Is that the goose? What?! No! You can’t take her!” Guang Hong started forward but Yuuri held up a hand to hold him off.

“I told you, I have to. I wish there was another way, but there isn’t!” He braced against the side of the hole.

“No! You can’t take her! Stop!” 

Yuuri leapt toward the thin stalk, his whole body sliding along it as he scrabbled for purchase. His heart hammered as more of the slick stalk slipped through his fingers, but finally he caught hold and managed to slow his descent.

He looked up to see Guang Hong’s horrified face staring down at him, “I’m sorry!” There was nothing more to say, hopefully he’d understand. Yuuri turned his eyes downwards and started picking his way back down the beanstalk, half sliding half climbing. 

Suddenly something hit him on the shoulder, causing him to jerk his head back upward.

To his horror he saw the floating castle shuddering and cracking, sending bits of rock hurtling towards him. He watched aghast as tower broke off and plummeted through the clouds below. 

“Oh no, Guang Hong!” Yuuri screamed. He hadn’t meant to cause any harm! He just wanted to help his family! He was torn. Should he climb back up and try to find the smaller boy? He stared up at the hole above him, caught in uncertainty. If he climbed up would he make it in time? 

He was frozen in indecision, and likely would have remained so if he hadn’t seen a shape drop from the hole in the breaking castle. Guang Hong, still wearing only a shirt which wasn’t going to make his climb down very fun at all, clung to the top of the beanstalk as he stared up at the crumbling pieces of what had been his home. 

Yuuri felt sorry for him, but there was nothing else he could do. If they made it down safely, he’d ask his mother to help the boy, but he would prefer to be far away when the boy got to the ground. No doubt he was going to be angry. With that in mind Yuuri loosened his hands and slid further down the stalk, determined to beat Guang Hong to the surface by as long as possible.

Going down was faster than up, but still slow. Yuuri glanced up occasionally and could just make out a slight bump against the stalk far above him before he dropped into the clouds and below. He kept his eyes forward after that, concentrating on the stalk beneath his hands and not looking at the approaching earth or up to see if Guang Hong had made it out of the clouds. 

Hours later his hands were shaking with exhaustion. He wanted to stop, but he had to keep going. He rested his head against the thick stalk in front of him for just a moment. 

Then it shuddered. 

His eyes darted open as he searched for the cause. Glancing down he was heartened to see the ground was probably only a few hours away, but what was that strange glow? Down, not too far from the ground, the stalk seemed embedded in a strange green mist. As he watched sparks from the mist starting rolling upwards along the stalk. As one came toward him he moved his hand, afraid to let the strange thing come in contact with him. It careened up, taking no notice of him and leaving a thin line in its wake. 

He squinted at the line as another spark raced up, and another. Each leaving a line. He ran a finger over the lines and felt shallow grooves in the stalk. Another spark raced up along a previous line and the groove deepened. 

The beanstalk was disappearing.

No sooner had Yuuri realized his predicament than the stalk shuddered again and began to tilt. His fingers slipped from the slick surface and suddenly, he was falling.

Gripping the bag with the goose tight in his arms, Yuuri closed his eyes tight and waited for the end.


	2. The Little Merchit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After falling from the beanstalk, Guang Hong lands in the ocean and is saved by friendly mermaid.

  


Guang Hong windmilled his arms as the beanstalk collapsed beneath him. The view below him would have been beautiful in any other circumstance, but while falling to your death the scenery tends to be the last thing on your mind, and doubly so when you’re falling to your death in only a nightshirt with your bits flapping about you.

The line between the ocean and land mocked him as he fell, curving away and back below him. From this height his chances if he hit the water were… surely not good, but if he hit the ground they were zero. He tried to flap his arms and maneuver himself closer to the water and his sole slim hope at survival.

He let out a brief sigh of relief when the shore curved further inland, putting him directly over the water. At least when he died no one would find him pantsless and flattened. He took a deep breath, tried to get as vertical as possible, and waited for the end to come.

***

Phichit frowned into the mirror before him, applying more seaslug slime to his hair in an attempt to keep it shaped. Nothing worked, though, and it continued to halo about him in the playful currents and make him look like an anemone.

“This isn’t working either!” he moaned flopping backwards and propelling himself toward the bed with a flick of his tail.

“Mlrp,” his three pet blobfish said. He picked one up and placed it on his shoulder, another on his head and cradled the last in his arms.

“If it weren’t for all this water I bet I’d look mysterious and sexy, just like you,” he sighed as he gazed toward the magically sealed yet still waterlogged square of paper he’d spent his entire allowance on years ago. “I could be sexy as the Backstreet Bards.”

A sudden splash of sound outside the window of his secret fortress of Backstreet Bards goods drew him to the window. High above, but rapidly descending was a strange shape. It was as long as a dolphin, but would be a horribly misshapen one at best. Suddenly the shape began to flail about. It seemed to have five long protrusions… maybe a starfish? But it was far too big for that, surely! An octopus missing three legs?

Suddenly it hit him, it was a man! With a quick swish of his tail he was out the window and rushing toward him. 

He remembered from his humanology class that humans were similar to dolphins and couldn’t breathe in the water, but he couldn’t remember how long they could go without air. Maybe they taught that one of the days he was in the principal's office begging to have his clamshell phone back and promising he wouldn’t put any more gossip about the teachers on the interwave.

As he drew closer the man’s movements slowed and he sank without resistance. That probably wasn’t good, Phichit figured, so he gave an extra hard kick of his tail and grabbed the man beneath his arms, hauling him back toward the surface. 

When they finally broke the surface, Phichit held his burden out of the water while he clenched his eyes and waited for his respiratory system to switch from gills to lungs. His father said merkind was slowly losing their lungs and would evolve out of such a useless organ eventually, but Phichit rather liked being able to watch the land and dream about the Backstreet Bards coming to the town near the shore for a festival and playing.

A few strong strokes of his tail brought him to a small beach and he awkwardly half-dragged half-rolled the man onto the sand. He heaved a huge sigh of relief when he could finally relax his aching arms, but immediately caught his breath again when he realized it didn’t seem like the man was breathing.

“Shit, shit,shit… first aid...not breathing… um…” he tried desperately to remember. “Oh, right!” He scooped up handful of water and pushed them towards the man’s neck. “Keep water running past the gi-... FUCK.”

Men didn’t HAVE gills! Shit shit shit! Phichit wracked his brain. Lungs… men had lungs… so air needs to go to the lungs… somehow. 

His own breathing was starting to come fast as he panicked. “Wait, that’s it!” He took a deep breath and leaned over the prone form, prying the mouth open and blowing into the still form. He repeated the action a few more times, but nothing seemed to happen.

“Come on, wake UP!” Phichit smacked the man’s chest angrily. To his surprise, the man gave a jerk and suddenly started to cough. Phichit rolled him slightly to one side and watched as the man vomited sea water.

“Now why did you have all that in there,” Phichit rubbed the man’s back as he coughed and hacked. “Should have known you can’t breathe water. Silly human.”

The man groaned and collapsed onto his back, gasping noisily. Assured that the man was alive, Phichit took his first long look at the thing he’d rescued.

The upper half was similar to a merman, below the waist though, instead of a tail there were three tentacle like protrusions. Two long and one short. The long ones were jointed like the arms and so must be the legs. He couldn’t recall any mention of a third kind of appendage, though.

He lifted the shorter appendage in his hand and examined it. There was a familiar sort of look to it, as if he’d seen something like it before but… where? Idly playing with the funny feeling flesh, Phichit tried to remember where he could have seen an animal with something like this.

Then the floppy mini tentacle twitched in his hand and began to stiffen. 

Amazed, Phichit closed his fingers around the shaft, feeling it harden beneath his fingers. The fleshy bits at the top drew back as it hardened and a red tip poked out like an eel from its cave. Leaving his right hand to play with the loose skin that covered the shaft, Phichit poked the head of the tiny eel with his finger. It responded by dribbling goo on him.

He poked it again, coaxing more and more droplets of goo from its mouth.

“W-what…” Phichit jerked his head up, meeting now open monkfish brown eyes. “What are you… doing?” The tentacle in his hand dribbled even more white and seemed to harden further. 

“I saved you,” Phichit said simply, he grew bold and put a finger into the little hood at the end of the shaft, feeling the shape of the head inside. The man moaned, his hips jerking and pulling this shaft up and down through Phichit’s loose fist.

“Not… that...,” the man gasped. “I mean… thank you, but… now… what….”

“Oh, sorry. I’ve read about human anatomy but I’ve never seen one in person. Is this a leg or some kind of tentacle?” Phichit gave the weird appendage a squeeze. The man’s only response was a choked scream.

“I think I’ve seen something like it somewhere before, but I can’t remember,” Phichit continued, letting the man’s twitching run the shaft back and forth through his hand. “It’s kind of like a sea slug but obviously it’s attached so it’s not that.”

He bent down to peer closer, “It is supposed to be attached right?” There didn’t seem to be any kind of seam, though it did seem strangely positioned. At the base there were two round shapes that seemed to be stuck on in a weird way, though.

He lifted the shapes with his free hand. It seemed to be some kind of sack with two balls inside. They moved around a bit within the sack but he couldn’t see any way to get them out.

The man was groaning and occasionally shouting to the point Phichit was beginning to question if he was causing him pain, but… the man made no move to free himself from Phichit’s curious explorations.

He still couldn’t see where the balls would be able to come out of the pouch they were in. Taking a firm hold of the sack Phichit gave it a firm tug.

Suddenly white liquid erupted from the head of the shaft. 

Oh shit, did I break it?! Phichit jerked his hand away and watched the whiteness fountain out.

Then, as the shaft deflated with a last spurt, Phichit remembered where he’d seen a similar appendage.

He’d been out swimming with his sister and a pod of dolphins when he saw a similar thing come out of one of the male dolphins. His sister had tried to cover his eyes, but he’d seen the male insert the extension into one of the female dolphins. They’d both seemed to really enjoy themselves.

His sister had later explained that was how dolphins made babies instead of laying eggs like most fish did, but Phichit was caught on the expressions of ecstasy on the dolphins smiling faces.

So that was a human penis.

The man seemed to have lapsed back into unconsciousness after he finished ejaculating. Leaving himself and Phichit’s hand covered with sticky fluid.

Ever curious, Phichit raised his hand to his mouth and gave the fluid a lick. 

Salty flavor exploded on his tongue, and the thick texture reminded him of his favorite seaweed snack. Phichit laved his hand with his tongue, chasing every bit of flavor, then running his fingers through the mess on the man’s stomach for more.

He’d barely licked the last glob clean when he heard the sound of movement on the cliffs. Leaving the man, hopefully to his own kind and not a prowling predator, Phichit dove back into the waves. 

A jetty of rocks further out provided cover as he watched and waited. He’d feel terrible if he’d left the man to be eaten by some land shark. His fears were, luckily, unfounded, and a human man Phichit recognized from the nearby village came into view.

The village man called out for help and Phichit left them to themselves, slipping back beneath the waves.

***

Phichit lay listlessly on his bed amid his secret trove of treasures and his blobfish nosed about around him. 

He’d tried to go on with his life, but it was impossible! His mind was running in circles, returning to that day on the beach and the look of pleasure on the rescued man’s face before he exploded, remembering the taste of the salty fluid he had licked from his hand, and even to that day years ago when he saw the dolphins moving joyfully together. He ached with a need he could not put words to. 

More than once he’d found his hands tracing the area where his tail turned from scales to skin, trying to determine the source of the pleasures shared by man and dolphin but denied to him. His sister had said that was how dolphins reproduced, but he had seen no pleasure on the face of his own people when they laid eggs or sprayed their seed over the waiting nests. Nor had any of the fish who reproduced in the same manner seem to enjoy it. Perhaps this was some secret shared only by warm blooded creatures. If only he could experience it, even just once. But there was no helping the fact that he lacked the necessary parts. If only there was some way…

Phichit jerked up, dislodging one of his blobfish which lazily spiraled down to the bed. Maybe there was a way!

***

His father had warned him and his siblings to keep their distance from the cave of the Sea Witch all their lives, so it gave him a thrill of pleasure to swim past the boundary. It took a concentrated effort not to post the selfie he took at the cave mouth immediately. Instead he set it to post in a few hours, that way it would be too late to stop him. 

The cave was less creepy than he’d honestly expected it to be. Sure it could use a bit of decoration, but it wasn’t even as dirty as his brother’s room. 

“Hello?” Phichit poked his head in. “Anyone here?”

“Who’s there? What are you doing here?” a deep voice boomed through the cave, startling Phichit back. A shape coalesced out of the darkness, coming forward on thick tentacles and with a matching wave of tentacle-like hair framing a face like chiseled rock, “Who are you?”

“My name’s Phichit,” he hesitated before adding, “I’m BlobFishLover21 on instaclam.”

The sea witch, for who else could it be really, just stared at him. 

“I guess you aren’t a follower… shame really, my blobfish are adorable.”

“What… are you talking about?” The sea witch’s face seemed caught between confusion and dismay. 

“Instaclam? It’s a photosharing site? On the interwave?” No response. “Okay, I mean, don’t worry about it. I know old pe- I mean older people sometimes have trouble with stuff like that. It’s not like you need to have it I guess. I mean, I need to, but I guess-”

“STOP!” The sea witch ran his thick hands through his waving hair, his face a mask of exasperation. “Just… stop. Did you really come here to tell me how to use the interwave?”

“Oh, right! Of course I didn’t, I came here to get legs!” 

“Legs?”

“And a penis, of course.”

“And a what,” the sea witch squeaked. “No, don’t… don’t answer that. Just… Why don’t you come in. I have a feeling I need to be sitting down for this…”

Phichit followed him into a lushly appointed sitting area. The sea witch...”What’s your name, anyway? Everyone just calls you the sea witch.”

“...Celestino,” the sea witch settled into the chair across from him, eyes wary, “Now… what was it you said you wanted?”

“Legs! I’m pretty sure the penis is part of that, looked like it anyway.. Though I guess dolphins don’t have legs…” Phichit thought a moment, “But I want a human penis so I think I need legs for that.”

Celestino pinched the bridge of his nose, clenching his eyes shut. “I… probably don’t want to know… but… why do you want legs and a… why do you want legs?”

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently, and it seems like it’s really fun when stuff comes out of a penis, so I want to try that!” Phichit told him happily. 

The sea witch groaned and rubbed at his temples. “I knew I shouldn’t have asked,” he mumbled. Then he fixed Phichit with hard eyes, “Fine. I’ll give you legs, but in return you have to give me something.”

“You want a shout-out on my insta?” Phichit asked.

“What… no-”

“Oh, or do you want me to leave a review? I can do that!”

“Huh? No! That’s-”

“Let’s take a selfie! I can put that with the review! I’m sure you’ll get lots of new customers! My blog is SUPER popular!”

“No! NO!” Phichit froze at Celestino’s bellow, “Just...You know what. How about in exchange for your legs, you promise to not do… any of those things. No reviews. No shout-outs. None of it. And, most importantly, no repeat visits. No coming back and asking for anything else.”

Phichit blinked in confusion. “I mean… okay? But isn’t that kind of counterproductive?”

“Not at all. Do we have a deal or not?”

He considered a moment. It seemed like a pretty unfair deal to him, but… if that’s what the guy wanted who was he to complain?

“Deal!” 

***

Phichit threw himself awkwardly to the sand. These leg things were SHIT for swimming. No wonder the man was drowning before. Even with the ability to breathe underwater Phichit felt like he was going to die before he made it to the beach. 

The sand scratched at the new smooth skin of his human legs and he took a moment to admire them again. They weren’t as nice as his tail, but they had their own kind of appeal. Even more interesting was the penis, of course. He was a bit disappointed, though, as it was a lot smaller than he’d been expecting. Nothing like the size of the ones dolphins or the man he’d rescued had. He sighed, gripping it firmly between his hands and giving it a good tug. Even small, it felt AMAZING when he played with it. 

He moved his hand up and down the soft, loose skin of the shaft feeling it harden just like the other man’s had. Every touch sent jolts of pleasure up his spine. It still felt like something was missing, though, as good as it felt. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Phichit turned his head at the sudden screech. “YOU CAN’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC!” 

It was the human he’d saved! 

“Oh, hello!” Phichit levered himself up clumsily. “Do you remember me? We’ve met before! I saved you! My name’s Phichit, by the way.”

“That… was real? I thought it was a dream… But you had a tail?” the man said softly. “Ah, my name is Guang Hong...um, nice to meet you? Though we’ve already met, I guess. You definitely had a tail, though…”

“I did then, yeah, but I asked the sea witch for legs. His name’s actually Celestino, but I can’t recommend you go to him,” Phichit shrugged.

“Oh...okay…” Guang Hong bit his lip and took a step back, pulling at a strand of light brown hair and generally being the picture of nervousness.

“You’re just in time though! Maybe you can help me, you know, in exchange for saving you and all.” Phicht gave his brightest smile to help win over the nervous man.

“Right, of course! Thank you for that, I am very grateful,” Guang Hong bowed deeply. “I really don’t know what I could do to repay you, but whatever you want I’ll do my best!”

“Great! I want you to stick your penis in me,” Phichit told him.

Guang Hong froze, his eyes widening, “W-w-w-w-what!?” Phichit watched as the man’s face slowly turned bright coral red.

“Your penis. I want you to put it in me. I’m not sure mine’s big enough to do any good, sadly. If I hadn’t promised I wouldn’t I’d be tempted to go back and give Celestino a piece of my mind for shortchanging me!”

Guang Hong’s eyes darted down Phichit’s body and the red color on his face darkened.

“Y-you have a p-perfectly nice sized p-p-penis,” Guang Hong assured him.

“But it’s so SMALL! Look at it!” Phichit wrapped his fist around the still hard shaft. “It’s barely bigger than my hand! It’s nothing like yours!”

“Th-that’s not something bad,” Guang Hong murmured. “Everyone says mine is too big…”

“Too big? How do they figure? I mean I guess maybe humans have less space for them, but a dolphin’s penis is like… 4 times that size!”

“F-f-four times?!” Guang Hong gasped.

“Yeah, and they really seem to enjoy themselves. I don’t know if mine will work for that… it’s fun to play with though. Yours seems like it would do the trick, though! So I want you to put it in me!”

“I-I don’t know… that’s a little… we just met really…” Guang Hong pulled at the edges of his clothes, eyes darting about the beach.

“You said you’d do anything! You’ll enjoy it right? It looked enjoyable… is it not?” Phichit cocked his head.

“N-n-no! I mean.. Yes… I mean… It… it is.. .enjoyable…” If the boy’s face got any redder he’d be able to pass for a crab.

“Then what’s the problem?”

The man met Phichit’s eyes, then, with a gulp, he nodded. “O-okay. I’ll do it.”

“Wonderful!” Phichit poked at his lower half and found a hole in the back between two protective mounds of flesh. “Is this where you put it?” 

“Stop!” Guang Hong grabbed his arms. “You can’t do that here… what if someone sees? You’ll get in trouble!”

“In trouble? Why?”

“Never mind, just… come with me.” Phichit let himself be led along a path up the cliff and into the woods. “My house is near the woods, luckily, we can go in the back door.”

The structure Guang Hong took him to was small and looked as though it had been left abandoned for some time before the man took up residence there. A shrill squeak accompanied the opening of the back door and an abused groan when it shut behind them. It was one room with a small table, a single chair and a bed. Though the age and neglect was obvious it was easy to see how much effort had been put into cleaning it up in the short time the man had been living there. 

None of that particularly mattered to Phichit though. “Can we do it here then?” 

“Y-yes… let me just… get some oil,” Guang Hong pulled a clay jar from a shelf and set it on a rickety table near the bed. 

“What’s the oil for?” Phichit examined the bottle.

“For… for your… hole,” the red that had left the man’s face on the walk over returned quickly. “My first time… he used spit… but… it was a little uncomfortable afterward so I thought maybe oil would be better…”

Phichit collapsed onto the bed on his stomach, lifting his rear end into the air. “Okay, do it!”

***

Guang Hong gulped and poured some oil onto his shaking fingers. He wasn’t sure he could do this, but… he did owe the man… merman?... ex-merman? Whatever he was, Guang Hong owed him his life and he would do his best to repay the favor any way he could. 

He smoothed oil around the clenching pucker Phichit had thrust into the air, then slowly dipped his finger inside, rubbing oil into the tight channel. Smooth, hot flesh clenched around his invading finger as he pushed deeper. 

“Ooooh, that feels so strange… but good…” Phichit arched his back, offering his butt up to Guang Hong’s fingers.

More oil, another finger, more oil, deeper this time, Guang Hong took his time preparing the beautiful body. He found the hidden spot within Yuuri had showed him and Phichit screamed and jerked, hands clawing at the coarse blanket. 

“Yes! Yes! More!” Phichit reached behind himself and held the globes of his butt open, exposing his needy hole. 

When three fingers could slide easily, Guang Hong took a fortifying breath. He groped at the ties to his pants with his oil free hand, finally dropping them to the floor and releasing his straining cock. A quick swipe of oil was all he could bear before lining himself up. 

At first the guardian muscle refused to let him in, then with a slight pop the head breached and Guang Hong slid slowly into Phichit’s tight heat. Phichit gave a strangled scream at the first intrusion, but the sound quickly morphed into a moan and growls of “More more more.”

It seemed to take forever before his balls tapped against Phichit’s and he could go no further. Remembering what Yuuri had done, he pulled back out most of the way and thrust forward quickly, dragging another scream from the body beneath him. 

“Oh yes, oh yes, that! That’s it! Harder! Harder!” Phichit pushed his hips back, trying to draw Guang Hong even further in. “So full. More. More!” 

Guang Hong did his best to comply, pulling fully out before slamming in as hard as he could again and again. He knew he’d found the perfect angle when Phichit’s cries changed pitch, ripping themselves from his throat. 

Keeping one hand at the other man’s hip to steady himself, he reached down and found Phichit’s leaking cock, which despite the man’s complaints was a perfectly respectable size. It took only a few strokes before the enfolding heat clenched around him, the voice catching in Phichit’s throat as he came with a silent scream.

Guang Hong lasted barely a second longer with the other man’s insides milking his shaft as he emptied deep within Phichit’s bowels.

He pulled out slowly, resting against Phichit’s back for a moment. The other man seemed stuck in position, so Guang Hong helped him to his side before collapsing to the bed next to him, feet dangling off and pants still around his ankles. 

As upset as he’d been by Yuuri’s betrayal not too long ago, he was suddenly thankful that he’d taught him how to have sex like this. Without that knowledge he would never have had the courage to even consider something like this, and he certainly wouldn’t have been able to give Phichit any kind of enjoyment. He still wished Yuuri hadn’t taken his goose and collapsed his home, but he also had to admit there was no way he would have left of his own accord. 

Now he had a new home. It was smaller, but he’d never liked the empty cavernous halls anyway and here he was starting to make friends with the kind villagers. Maybe soon he’d even have the courage to go the bath house the friendly man next door kept inviting him to. 

Sated and hopeful he fell quickly to sleep.


	3. The Snow Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phichit leaves behind Guang Hong's sleepy village and goes on a journey, eventually finding his way to the frozen lands of the Snow Prince.

After leaving Guang Hong sleeping in his little house in the quiet village by the sea, Phichit wandered North. Along the way he had learned the human art of dance and earned human currency. He also stayed with various friendly humans along the way, repeating the pleasures he’d learned from Guang Hong but realizing that normal human penises weren’t of an equivalent size to his first and that his own was not as inferior as previously thought.

As he traveled he heard stories of a “land of eternal snow”. He’d seen snow before, of course, but had never really interacted with it in any way, and quite frankly it sounded fascinating. Intrigued he decided to make his way there and see. 

It wasn’t hard to find, once he saw the snow clouds in the distance it was easy enough to head in their direction. The border was clearly delineated by the fallen snow which stopped suddenly in a straight line far as the eye could see. 

He took the last step into the icy powder.

The temperature dropped dramatically, like swimming through a thermal vent. It was cold, but no worse than the sea in winter, though the wind was cutting and uncomfortable. He wandered further, scooping up handfuls of snow and throwing them in the air just for the fun of it. Rolling the snow made it stick together, and he set about making a family of snowblobfish. Looking at his handiwork afterward he desperately missing his phone. All of his followers on instaclam would love to see this.

Cold wind whipped around him, drawing paths in the unbroken snow and cutting through his thin clothes but it was no more than an irritant. He’d heard humans were more sensitive to cold and that they could “freeze their balls off” so it made sense they avoided this area, though.

Suddenly he stopped. If humans could freeze their balls off… was it possible he could freeze his off? He hadn’t had them long but he’d grown quite attached and would be very distressed if they fell off. Maybe he should try to keep them warmer…

He turned in a circle, scanning the endless expanse of white. The border between the snowy kingdom and warmer areas was lost at some point in his play. For the briefest moment he started to feel concerned, but then he caught a glimmer in the distance. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was something that wasn’t snow and that was good enough!

Snow was much less fun when you were trying to get somewhere, he realized what felt like days later as he trudged through the unbroken drifts toward his destination. Gradually, though, the shimmer resolved itself into a large stone building topped with spires and partially encased in a layer of ice, which Phichit was starting to think was his least favorite form of water.

The front steps were treacherously coated, but he managed to make his way up them with some semblance of grace. No one was there to see him to counteract that claim, either. A thick wooden door guarded the entrance to presumably safety and maybe some of those chicken wing things he’d tried in the last village and would totally not mind eating again. And again. Like forever.

Phicht banged the door knocker and waited. And waited. And waited some more. He grabbed the iron knocker again and pounded harder. Still nothing. He lifted it again and this time threw his entire body behind the swing, which meant that when the door unexpectedly opened he ended up throwing himself directly into the person on the other side.

“Oof!” said his landing mat.

“Wow, that was some instaclam worthy shit, but I’m totally sorry!” Phichit jumped up.

“Ow, I would certainly hope so! Barging into someone’s home!” the landing mat picked himself up with a scowl. 

“Woah, who does your make-up?” Phichit reached for his phone before remembering again that he’d had to leave it underwater. Not everyone would be able to pull off purple lipstick, or such extreme eyeshadow, but somehow the man in front of him made it work.

“Huh? Oh… uh, I do?” the man self-consciously rubbed the back of his neck. 

“I like it, reminds me of the angelfish look but fresher. People would love you on YouTuna.”

“You...what?” The man was starting to get a confused/overwhelmed look, which normally didn’t happen until a bit longer after someone’s first meeting with Phichit.

“YouTuna, make-up tutorials are super in right now. By the way, is it cold in here? It’s harder to tell without the wind, but I don’t want to freeze my balls off, you know?”

“Cold? ...Cold! Right!” The man drew himself up and threw out an arm, tangling briefly with the short black cape he wore before declaring, “This is the palace of the Ice King! All who dare intrude shall forfeit their hearts to my icy wrath!”

“Oh my god, are you a codplayer? Are you CARPing? My sister’s first boyfriend was super into CARPing!” Human technology needed to get caught it, it was the 17th century not the dark ages, there was no excuse for him to be unable to instaclam this.

The man seemed to wilt a moment before drawing himself up again. “Come! I will show you my many victims so that you shall know that I am truly to be feared!” He spun, heading deeper into the castle. Phichit shrugged and followed. The castle was deserted, which seemed like a massive waste of space to Phichit, but humans were weird about things like that. The decorations were cool, though. Lots of purple, feathers and fur. Not his style but definitely something he could appreciate. 

Eventually the man led Phichit out into a large courtyard. “Behold! The many victims of my power!”

Three statues of men and women in horrified poses stood dwarfed in the large courtyard. 

“Many? There’s… only three?” He peered around to see if he had missed any. 

“What? Three is a LOT! I’m only 28! I mean I guess there was one other girl in junior high school, but that didn’t really count, right? We were only together for a few months and we didn’t even go on a date or anything!” the man flailed.

“Wait, you made statues of everyone you ever dated? That’s… kind of weird, if I’m being honest. I thought you said these were your victims? Oh… Oh I get it. You broke up with them and broke their hearts! That’s why they are your victims!” Phicht exclaimed.

“Huh? Well… no, that’s not what I mean…” the other man trailed off. 

“Man, I remember when one of my girlfriends broke up with me because she said I had too many instaclam followers, which is totally a dumb reason, right? She wasn’t that great anyway but that break-up was a DISASTER! She started posting nude pictures of me on this porn site, I mean joke was on her in the end because I made a LOT of money off that deal AND gained more instaclam followers, but it was such a mess!”

“Huh? You… she… what?” 

“Did you do stuff like that to these people? Why did you make statues of them, though? Doesn’t make a lot of sense to me…” Phichit cocked his head curiously.

“I didn’t do anything horrible like that! I would never! I loved them! With all my heart and soul! My love was deeper than the ocean and more vast than the sky!” the man proclaimed.

“Oh, they broke up with you? Dude, you have to let things go… there’s plenty of anemone in the coral reef.” Phichit clasped the caped shoulder in front of him in manly solidarity.

“They ripped out my heart and flung it to the dirt! They spurned my pure love and turned my heart to ice! And thus they became ice as well, frozen by a third and final kiss.”

“What do you mean third kiss? And what’s your name anyway? I’m not calling you Ice King, that wounds like some kind of crab species.”

The man seemed a bit off-put by Phichit’s non-reaction to his proclamations. “My… name is Georgi Popovich, King of this icy land and-”

“Okay, well Popo-chan, explain this kiss thing,” Phichit plopped down on one of the benches in the courtyard, patting the place beside him. 

“At least call me Georgi,” Georgi grumbled, but he sat down beside Phichit on the bench. “It all started when I was but a young boy, full of hope and love-”

“Not your life story, just the kiss thing,” Phichit interrupted.

“Oh.” Georgi looked disappointed. “Um, basically my heart has turned to ice and now when I kiss people things happen to them. I’m not really sure what the first and second kiss to, to be honest, but the third turns them to ice.” He motioned to the statue closest to them.

“Wait, you mean these are your ACTUAL exes? Not just statues?” Phichit gaped as Georgi gave a brief nod. “Wait… so you dated two other people after you froze your first?”

“No, actually the whole thing started when my last girlfriend, Anya,” he pointed to the statue across the way, “broke up with me. Triggered the ice heart thing. But I figured, it’s a curse, right? So True Love’s kiss should break it! So I went back and tried kissing the boy I dated before Anya. He was really happy to see me again and he followed me back here, we were really happy and he seemed to forget about the life he’d left. I thought maybe I was cured but then at the third kiss, ice. Same thing with the other one. Found them, kissed them, madly in love and happy, then suddenly ice.”

“Did you ever think that your first kiss might make them fall in love with you?” Phichit asked.

“What? Oh… ooooh. That… might make sense,” Georgi realized. “Wait.. is that what this means?”

Georgi pulled a piece of parchment from his top and handed it over. 

Wretched soul with heart of ice,  
Doomed to torment pain and strife.  
First kiss to freeze another’s heart,  
So they follow where thou art.  
Second kiss to freeze the mind,  
To forget those left behind.  
Third is the kiss of death,  
Stealing both heat and breath.  
Until the frozen heart dost thaw,  
From within or ne’er at all. 

Phichit squinted at the paper. The writing was flowery to the point of illegibility, but he could make out pieces. “Yeah, I would say that’s EXACTLY what this says. Why didn’t you just read this first?”

“I tried! It’s just… really hard to read?” Georgi mumbled. 

“So your heart is legit frozen, then? How does it beat then? Do you have a pulse? Are you a vampire? Is that glitter makeup or just what you look like now?”

“What? No! I mean yes, my heart was frozen by Anya casting me away, but… it still beats? I don’t know… but it is glitter. I had it custom made to suit my complexion.” Georgi turned his head so the tiny dots caught the light. 

“You’ll have to give me their info, because that glitter is excellent. Maybe the frozen thing is like a metaphor? Are you sure true love’s kiss breaks it? It doesn’t say anything about that here. It just says something about thawing from within.” Phichit pointed to the relevant lines.

“Doesn’t true love’s kiss break all curses? Because love is the most powerful magic of all?” Georgi asked hesitantly. 

“I mean, maybe, but I would probably try some hot soup or some spicy chicken wings first?”

“I have eaten hot food since the incident,” Georgi pouted. “Spicy food gives me indigestion, though.”

“Would you rather have indigestion or a frozen heart?” Phichit asked, “You have a kitchen? I learned this amazing recipe a few towns back. It’s not really THAT spicy but maybe it will be enough.”

**

“YOU SAID IT WASN’T THAT SPICY!” Georgi scream-gurgled from where he was gulping down water with his head shoved under the running faucet.

“It’s not! I didn’t realize you were THAT sensitive to it!” Phichit ate another chicken wing.

Georgi just glared at him upside down from under the faucet, which wasn’t really effective.

“Well, did it work?” Phichit licked the hot sauce off his fingers.

“Do you think I would be able to feel it if it had?” Georgi frowned, poking himself in the chest.

“Maybe… but only one way to know for sure.” Phichit grabbed the other man’s head and quickly captured his lips. 

The kiss was sloppy at best, which was maybe to be expected considering the circumstances, but cold as sea ice beneath the lingering flavor of spicy chicken. Phichit released Georgi and shook his head. “Doesn’t seem like it worked.”

“What did you do that for?! Don’t you remember the curse! Are you okay? Do you feel weird?” Georgi flailed his arms and generally made a production of it.

“You mean am I madly in love with you suddenly?” Phichit asked, “Nope, sorry.”

“But… doesn’t that mean it worked?” 

Phichit thought a moment. “Maybe… I’m immune to it?” he mused. 

“What? Why would you be immune to it?” Georgi asked. Phichit led him back to the table and sat him down.

“Why doesn’t the ocean freeze in winter?” 

Georgi seemed startled by the seeming non sequitur but tried to respond, “Um, I think… it has something to do with salt?”

“I don’t know either, really, I didn’t pay much attention in school. All I know is mermaids are different from humans and can live in conditions humans can’t. So maybe that difference has something to do with it,” Phichit shrugged. “I’m just making wild guesses really, but does it matter? It doesn’t seem to affect me.”

“Mermaids...what…” Georgi evidently decided he wasn’t prepared to go down that eel hole and moved on. “Could you… make me immune somehow?”

“I don’t know how… I heard eating mermaids grants magic powers but I’m pretty sure that’s a load of troutshit. Also I’m not into vore so hard pass.”

“What’s...vore?” 

Phichit patted Georgi’s glittery cheek. “You sweet innocent child.” He paused. “Actually...there might be a kind of vore we could work with, but this isn’t the best place for that.”

“No? Where should we go then?” Georgi still looked flummoxed. 

“Why don’t you show me your bedroom.”

Georgi led him through the frosted castle once again to a sumptuously appointed bedroom. The general decor theme of the rest of the castle was even more pronounced here with this velvets and furs with glitter and feather accents. 

“I saw your collection of exes in the yard, but how far did you all go?” Phichit led Georgi over to the bed and removed the little half cape he was wearing. 

“Um… I went to seaside with my second girlfriend once?”

Phichit couldn’t hold back a laugh. “You sweet thing. I’m gonna show you a whole new world. I only got the necessary parts recently, but I can still teach you quite a bit!” He pulled off his shirt and dropped it to the floor. 

“Wh-what are you doing?” Georgi was frozen like one of his victims, staring at Phichit’s exposed flesh. 

“I guess this isn’t entirely needed, but it will definitely be more fun! I think you could use some fun in your life,” Phichit said as he kicked off his shoes. “Get undressed, I’ll show you.”

Georgi remained unmoving, mouth gaping.

“Come on, seriously you’ll enjoy it!” Phichit reached for the frilly shirt the other man wore.

“Wait!” Georgi screamed. “It’s silk! I’ll do it!” He carefully undid the laces and removed the shirt, laying it gently over a nearby chair. 

“Everything,” Phichit said sternly. He led the way by removing his own pants. Georgi reluctantly followed suit, and soon they stood across from each other nude. Phichit confident and loose and Georgi covering himself like a piece of art. 

“S-s-so, what now?” 

Phichit responded by giving him a hard shove that sent him to the bed. He followed the other man down and ran his hands over the ice white skin beneath him. As gangly as Georgi made himself look with his feathers and frippery there was a toned, lithe body hiding beneath his clothes. 

A small gasp escaped Georgi when fingers brushed lightly over his nipples, so Phichit dove down to give the obviously sensitive buds some attention, lathing them with long strokes of his tongue. He spent just enough time there to make sure Georgi was thoroughly distracted from his previous apprehension before beginning to trail his way downward.

He paused again to dip into the intriguing hole of his navel before he moved on to the main event. Navels were another trait all humans shared that mermaids lacked and he was still fascinated by them. Finally, though, he was nuzzling his way down to his final destination. The prize rose stiff and leaking from the meticulously trimmed pubic hair at Georgi’s groin. 

It wasn’t anywhere near Guang Hong’s, which he would always remember with a hint of wistfulness. Thin and pale it more closely reminded him of a garden eel than anything else. 

Phichit ran his tongue from base to tip, enjoying the strange chill against his tongue. Georgi was colder than other humans all over, but it was more pronounced here. He suckled at the tip a moment before taking the staff entirely into his mouth where it twitched against his throat like the eel it had reminded him of.

“S-s-st-AH!” Georgi cried out when Phichit took him deep, clenching his fingers into the sheets. “W-what are you doing?”

Another quick suck on his new favorite flavor of ice pop and he released it to murmur, “If you have to ask I must not be doing a very good job.”

“Th-AH-” Phichit returned to his icy treat. “That’s not what I mean! H-how is this going to b-break the curse?” 

Oh right. He’d almost forgotten, not that he was about to admit that. “Just wanted to give you a bit of a tutorial first. Just do what I do and we’ll see if a little bit of mermaid vore really is a miracle cure. If not, hey, we’re having fun right?”

“F-f-fun… right….” Phichit turned himself to face the foot of the bed, presenting his own hard cock to the other man. 

“If you aren’t having fun you’re doing a real good job of faking it,” Phichit laughed as he dipped his tongue into the oozing slit, causing Georgi to cry out again. “Just try to mimic me, I promise I’m easy.”

For a moment he wondered if he’d scared the man off, then a tentative lick traced over his cockhead. He was unable to suppress the shudder and he let an appreciative moan escape as well to encourage his student. A firmer lick rewarded him. 

“Just watch your teeth and try to keep up,” Phichit grinned cockily over his shoulder then gave his full attention to the treat before him. 

Georgi was a fast learner, though he often lost concentration when Phichit showed him a particularly fun new trick. Not that Phichit could blame him, he was pretty sure most of his own brain had been leaking out his ears when he’d first had these techniques demonstrated on him. He enjoyed the back and forth trade of pleasure, each action he made repeated against him, the inexperience easily compensated for with pure enthusiasm. 

Phichit was so caught up in the feedback loop of feeling that he was startled to feel the cock in his mouth stiffen and shoot. He pulled back to revel in the taste of the salty ice cream he swallowed his relish. It would almost be shame if his plan worked, the whole kissing thing was a shame but there was plenty of fun to be had with an icy body that didn’t include kissing. 

The mouth around his own cock had slackened when the other man came, which let him enjoy the taste but left him sorely wanting when the treat was devoured. He shifted his legs and drew his leaking tip along Georgi’s lips, hoping to remind him of the task he’d left unfinished. 

A moan and light lick were his only response. 

He repeated the action, dipping his aching flesh past wide lips and against the welcoming tongue. 

Another moan, but this time Georgi’s hands came up to rest against his ass. Pulling Phichit’s hips down to impale himself. Phichit got the message immediately and began to move, thrusting into the welcoming chasm. It was messy and wet and he loved every minute. 

It wasn’t long at all before he thrust deep and emptied himself down Georgi’s throat.

Boneless, he collapsed against the other man, barely in control enough to roll slightly to the side. They remained like that, Phichit resting against Georgi's hip with an arm and leg splayed across. 

When his brain finally managed to put itself back together, Phichit realized something. He shot up, catching Georgi across the face with his foot and getting a yelp in response. 

“Georgi! You aren’t cold anymore!” Phichit laid a hand over against Georgi’s flaccid cock, which twitched beneath his hand but remained warm and nothing like the icy candy he’d enjoyed so recently. 

Georgi sat up, his hand going to quickly to rest over his heart. “...You’re right! I think… I think it worked!” He jumped from the bed, pulling Phichit up with him and spinning them around. “It worked! It really worked!”

Laughing, Phichit let himself be spun a while longer before he felt the need to say, “You know you can’t tell anyone that mermaid vore thing is real, right? I can’t believe it worked, but it’s bad enough with only the crazies thinking it!”

“Oh, right, of course! I won’t tell anyone! Ever!” Georgi grasped Phichit’s hand and swore solemnly. “If anyone asks I will just tell them a mysterious and beautiful stranger saved me from my accursed fate!”

“Yeah, if you say it like that they probably won’t ask for elaboration,” Phichit murmured. 

Suddenly Georgi spun to the window, ripping the curtains away and throwing open the window. “Look! Even the snow is melting!” 

Sure enough the snow was rapidly disappearing in clouds of steam, covering the land with magical tendrils as far as the eye could see. 

Phichit thought a moment. “So… if the snow is melting… what about your collection of exes in the courtyard?”

Georgi froze, a look of pure horror covering his face. “Oh shit.”


	4. Cinderfella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Georgi dreams of finding his Prince Charming

“You missed a spot.” Georgi flinched as a dirty shoe stepped directly onto the part of the floor he’d just scrubbed.

“Sorry, Anya, I’ll get it right away,” he mumbled.

“Georgi, this tea is cold. Fetch me a hot cup.”

“Right away, Mila.” He dropped the brush back in the bucket of soapy water and rose stiffly. 

“Wait a minute! JJ is hungry!”

“I’ll bring you a snack then start making dinner,” Georgi ducked his head and quickly escaped into the kitchen. 

He’d thought living with a curse that froze people was bad, but it was nothing compared to having all three of his exes together and very much not pleased about the circumstances surrounding their arrival. They had a right to be angry though, he couldn’t deny that. He had hoped their anger would be sated soon and they would stop treating him like a slave and just go back to their villages, but they showed no signs of it. At least Phichit had managed to escape before they found him. That could only have ended badly.

The kettle began to boil and Georgi quickly poured it into Mila’s favorite teapot, tucking a tea cozy over it and setting up a tray. A small plate of maple cookies (JJ’s favorite) joined the tea and he quickly made his way back to the lounge the three had claimed as their own.

Mila barely acknowledged him as he set the teapot down on the table beside her and poured a cup, instead staring intensely at a sheet of creamy vellum in her hand. Georgi was glad of the respite as Mila had the sharpest tongue of the lot, he quickly moved to JJ’s side to set the small plate of cookies beside him.

“There’s going to be a ball,” Mila declared suddenly. Everyone in the room froze.

“A… ball?” Georgi hesitated. “Here?” Was Mila really planning to take over his home that much?!

“Not here, stupid,” she scowled at him. “King Lee is having a ball for his son, Prince Seung Gil, to find a partner. He must be pretty desperate if he’s sending invitations here, but I’m not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

“JJ would be the most stunning princess! Any prince would be lucky to have JJ!” he shouted. Georgi wondered, not for the first time, what could have possibly compelled him to go on even one date with the man. He purposely ignored that he knew the answer, it started with “M” ended with “uscles” and looked really good covered with oil as JJ always seemed to be. 

“Prince Seung Gil,” Anya put a finger to her chin. “I wonder what he looks like.”

“There’s only one way to find out.” Mila folded the letter and tucked it safely away. “We’re going to the ball!”

“When is it being held?”

“In two weeks time, not much time to prepare so we’ll have to hurry.” She said “we” but her eyes were locked on Georgi’s as she said it. 

“Two weeks?! That’s not enough time to make even one dress!” Georgi sputtered.

“Well we will just have to work with what we can find then, won’t we?” Mila smirked. 

Georgi had a really terrible feeling about this. 

***

It turned out his intuition had been right on the money. Between the three of them Anya, JJ and Mila turned the castle inside out and piled the clothing they found into a pile in the lounge. Georgi bit his lip as he added the last pile from the attic to one of the chairs. He recognized some of the dresses as his mother’s and at least one of the coats as his father’s, but most were unknown to him. Hidden away in some storage box or other longer before he remembered. 

Georgi prayed they didn’t turn their sites on his parent’s clothes. He could deal with them dismantling anything else, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to handle those. 

Or so he thought.

Then he caught a glimpse of a familiar sleeve sticking out from the pile.

“That’s mine!” he pulled the shirt from the pile. It was purple and black velvet in a lovely swirl pattern with froths of lace at the collar and cuffs. Truly a beautiful shirt. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Anya snarled, ripping the shirt from his hands, “For one thing it’s hideous, the only thing it’s good for is the lace.” Before Georgi could move she started ripping it from the collar. 

“Did you really wear these things?” Mila snorted. Georgi turned and saw one of his favorite half capes in her hands. It was black silk and lined with crow feathers coated in glitter. 

“That’s mine, too!” Georgi reached for the cape, but Mila danced away. 

“Such nice silk… and you had to go and ruin it,” Mila shook her head. “With a bit of luck it might be salvageable, I suppose, if we get rid of THESE.” She took hold of a handful of feathers and plucked them off. 

A pinched groan escaped Georgi’s throat as he watched the feather drift to the floor. 

“This is nice at least!” JJ held up a purple silk shirt then started trying to pull it on. 

“Stop! There’s no way that would fit you! Stop it!” Georgi rushed over, but he was too late. The seams tore with a horrible RIP. 

“Haha! How silly of me! I thought it was a men’s shirt!” JJ pulled the tattered pieces of silk off of his (still oiled somehow) chest and let them float to the ground. 

The horrors went on for hours until every article of clothing to be found in the castle had been torn apart and piled together with elaborate sketches of what they wanted Georgi to make from the scraps. 

Left alone in the aftermath, Georgi sifted through the piles, searching for survivors. 

Not one thing of his had made it through unscathed. Every piece of clothing he’d recognized as something of his father’s had been dismantled entirely. His mother’s dresses had been cannibalized into the piles for the girl’s planned monstrosities. 

Eyes full of tears and heart full of sorrow, he finally found a single piece of unmolested memory. 

He pulled at the white sleeve poking out from under the sofa, revealing his mother’s wedding dress. How it had escaped notice he wasn’t sure, but he was immensely grateful it had. It would be hard enough sewing pieces of his childhood memories into the Frankenstein’s creation Anya wanted, he wouldn’t have been able to handle this dress being a part of it.

Georgi snuck the dress away quickly to the small storage room he had been sleeping in. He probably could have slept in any of the rooms that hadn’t been claimed, but this one had been used to store unused furniture and contained a bed. So it was just easier. 

No one had ever come in here besides him, to his knowledge, but he folded the dress carefully and hid it in an unused dresser anyway. That done there was nothing left to do but go back to the disaster area that was the lounge and start piecing scraps of memory together.

***

By some miracle, the clothes were ready in time. Georgi had worked long into the night by the light of candles, but he had to admit he was impressed with the results. 

“This is actually great, Georgi!” Mila spun around in the mirror, admiring his handiwork. “I must admit I was worried you were going to just slack off or make everything look terrible, but Anya said you might be stupid, but not stupid enough for something like that.”

Georgi froze. 

“Oh my god, you didn’t even think of it, did you?” Anya threw back her head, laughing. “Oh, Georgi, you are a gem.” Mila joined her laughter. JJ might have but he was trying to choose the best viewing angle for his new outfit in the mirror and was entirely engrossed.

He hadn’t considered it. Not even once. Maybe he really was stupid.

“Don’t worry about it, Georgi, we can’t all have beauty or brains,” Mila smirked, “Some of us have to have heart.” The room broke out in laughter again, this time JJ joined in, though Georgi was fairly certain the muscle-bound idiot had no idea what was happening. 

Georgi slunk away to his storeroom, the sound following him through the empty halls. Looking back it was so obvious what he should have done. He should have made the dresses in an outdated style so everyone would know what commoners they were. Or made the dresses beautiful but fragile so they would fall apart as they danced. 

Where would that have left him when they came back though? Maybe it was better he was stupid. Maybe they would all fall in love with court life and leave him alone. 

He collapsed back on the dusty bed and stared up at the cobwebs on the ceiling. Maybe the prince would fall madly in love with one of them and whisk them away to his castle where they would live happily ever after. It might be nice to know that happily ever after did exist, even if it wasn’t for him. He was starting to think things only ended happily in fairy tales. 

***

The day of the ball was warm and clear. Birds sang in the trees and flowers perfumed the air. Georgi would have known that if he had been able to get outside for even a second. As it was there were a million things that had evidently been forgotten until the last minute that needed doing inside. 

“Georgi! Where’s my hairpin!” 

“In the top drawer of the jewelry box, Mila!” 

“Georgi! These shoes have a scuff!”

“I’ll polish them in just a second, JJ!”

“Georgi! Focus! You need to hold tight!” Anya growled. Georgi obeyed and held the corset strings tighter until Anya was cinched down to her desired size. 

“Georgi! The carriage is here!” Mila screeched from the window. 

“They always arrive early, you still have time,” Georgi reassured her, grabbing the polish kit and getting to work on the minute scuff on JJ’s shoe. 

Chaos reigned for a while longer, but eventually everyone was primped, polished and out the door to the awaiting carriage. The sound of the heavy oak shutting behind them had never been more beautiful. 

Alone at last, Georgi was finally able to sit down for the first time that morning and even eat some breakfast. 

He was spreading jam on his toast when he heard a voice.

“Why aren’t you going with them?”

Georgi yelped and threw his toast in the air. It, of course, landed jam side down on the floor. Not only ruining his breakfast but making a mess he would have to clean up as well. 

“Nervy thing, aren’t you,” the voice belonged to a scowling old man about the size of doll who was suspended in the kitchen on bright pink wings. 

“Who… what are you?” Georgi gaped. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” the tiny man growled.

“...No… No, it’s not obvious at all.”

“Kids these days don’t know a damn thing, lazy bunch of ignorant, pampered-”

“I don’t mean to interrupt,” Georgi did, in fact, mean to interrupt, “But you are in my kitchen and I think common courtesy dictates that you at least introduce yourself before barging into someone’s house.”

“Fine, you win this time, kid. My name’s Yakov and I’m your Fairy Godfather.”

“Isn’t it traditionally a Fairy Godmother?” Georgi pointed out.

“Fairy Godmothers only deal with people who need options, Fairy Godfathers make you an offer you can’t refuse,” the little man shot him an evil smile. 

“So, I don’t have a choice? You’re going to make me do something?!” Georgi gaped.

“Well, it’s obviously in your best interest to want to do what I’m going to make you do anyway,” Yakov shrugged.

“Even if I don’t want to, you’ll still do it though!” Flailing his arms probably wasn’t helping to get his point across, but Georgi couldn’t really help it at this point.

“Well, yeah, but if you want to do it then it will be a lot easier on both of us. So if you don’t want to, at least pretend you do. We can do this the easy way or the hard way, and neither of us will enjoy the hard way.”

Georgi collapsed into his chair, narrowly avoiding stepping in his toast. “At least tell me what it is you want me to do. Is it painful?”

“Shouldn’t be, unless you’re agoraphobic or something. You aren’t, are you? That would make this really messy.” The words could have been concerned, but paired with the distasteful glare being sent his way from under Yakov’s bushy eyebrows it just sounded like a threat. 

“No, I’m not agoraphobic. I just haven’t left the house recently for… personal reasons.” He worried Yakov would ask for clarification, but he’d obviously overestimated how much the fairy cared. 

“Good, well you’re going to go to the ball. I’m sure I can find something around here to get you there so go get dressed. You have five minutes.” Yakov peered around the kitchen like Georgi might be hiding a carriage in the bread box. 

“I can’t get dressed! Even if I could I couldn’t do it in five minutes! Do you know how long it takes to properly apply eyeliner? Five minutes would NOT cut it!” Georgi threw up in hands in exasperation.

“What do you mean you can’t? Are you arms broken? They look fine to me.” the little man was poking through the silverware drawer for some unknown reason.

“I don’t have anything to wear! Everything got ripped apart to make things for my exes! There isn’t anything nice I could wear left in the castle!” He felt his eyes starting to water at the memory but kept himself firmly on track.

“There has to be something! I can’t make something out of nothing! Unless you want to be sporting burlap I suggest you find SOMETHING for me to work with! NOW!” For such a little thing Yakov sure had a big voice. Georgi found himself out of the kitchen and searching closets before he even realized he was obeying. Maybe there was some kind of fairy magic involved. 

There was, as Georgi has said, nothing left in the house. Even the piles of scraps had been cleared away. He considered marching back into the kitchen and telling Yakov to go take his fairy magic and go away, but truth be told he really did want to go to the ball. His mother had always told him the most beautiful stories of the balls she had been to and he’d always longed to see one himself. 

Suddenly, Georgi realized there was maybe one piece of clothing in the house that, with a little magical assistance, could make something nice. He ran up to his storeroom and carefully pulled out his mother’s wedding dress. 

“Will this work? Oh, but… will the magic alter is permanently? It was my mother’s-”

“It’s magic, it’ll do whatever the hell I tell it to,” Yakov grumbled. 

“Oh… okay, then… how about this?” Georgi held the dress out for inspection. It was a fairly simple shape made of deceptively complex layers of lace. Not his style in the least but his mother had looked radiant in her wedding portrait. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Yakov studied the dress a moment then pulled a wand from seemingly nowhere. With a flick of the wand the dress floated out of Georgi’s hands and spun in the air in front of him. Another flick and it began to change. 

The modest neckline shifted downwards and the sleeves detached, forming a pair of long gloves. The simple skirt poofed up like a biscuit in the oven and became layers. Lastly the dress began to darken until the overskirt was a deep purple and the rest of the dress a shade of black. 

With another flick of his wand Georgi’s clothes disappeared. He only had time to let out a brief shriek before the transformed dress appeared on him with a last swish of the wand. 

“You need me to do something with those shoes?” Yakov motioned his wand at the practical pair Georgi wore around the house. 

“No, I think I have a pair of boots that will work. None of my exes had my same shoe size so those were safe.” He ran up to his old room and found the boots in the closet. Before going back downstairs, though, he took a minute to admire himself in the full length mirror. 

“GEORGI, YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!” Georgi almost jumped straight out of the dress as a giant voice boomed through the castle. He hurried back to the kitchen where Yakov floated impatiently.

“W...was that you?? That voice?” He stared at the miniscule man, trying to imagine how such an enormous voice could possibly come from such a small body.

“Who else would it be? Now hurry up, this all wears off at midnight so you can’t dally. Also, you have remarkably few rodents around here so I had to make do.” Yakov gestured toward the front door, shooing Georgi along.

Georgi wanted to question the part about midnight, but parked along the path was a remarkably strange looking carriage. He’d never seen a carriage made entirely of metal before, but even stranger was the small holes that pockmarked the sides. 

“Well… it’s certainly… unique?” Georgi poked a finger through one of the holes in the side.

“You need to wash your dishes when you get back, slob,” Yakov growled. “I couldn’t find anything but a colander clean so you’ll just have to deal with it.”

Well that explained the holes then. He turned his attention to the horses, trying to determine their origin. They were a handsome matched pair, both a black so deep it seemed…. Georgi moved closer. “Are the horses…. Purple?”

“Eggplants, I tried but there’s only so much you can do. It will be dark by the time you get there anyway, no one’s going to notice! Now get in!” tThe door to the colander-turned-carriage swung open with a wave of Yakov’s wand. 

Georgi clattered inside and fixed his skirts. “Wait… who’s going to drive?” 

“It’s magic, it drives itself,” Yakov scoffed.

“People are going to notice if I turn up with a self-driving carriage no matter how dark it is!”

“Tch, fine.” Yakov scanned the yard. “Well, beggars and choosers and all that.” He waved his wand.

Georgi peered out the door of the carriage. For a moment it seemed like nothing was happening, then he noticed a growing blob on the ground. He watched first with curiosity then with ever increasing horror as the blob revealed itself to be a spider growing ever bigger before his eyes. 

“Stop! Stop! What are you doing!?” Georgi screeched and tried to shut the colander door but it was made to be shut by a footman outside, not by someone inside encumbered by a fancy dress. 

“Hold on, I’m working on it,” grumbled the fairy. 

The spider, always too big for comfort but now the size of major trauma and years of counseling, started to pulsate and change shape in a manner that was doing horrible things to Georgi’s stomach. Half of its legs pulled into the surging mass of its body, which was reshaping itself like thinking you have woken up from a nightmare but are really just in another nightmare.

Georgi finally gave up the battle with his stomach and leaned out of the carriage to vomit. He hoped he had managed to miss his dress… 

By the time he felt well enough to chance looking up the spider had completed its transformation. In its place there stood a man in a deep black tailcoat and raven hair. 

Georgi breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s a bit better, I guess. Sorry for screaming at you earlier, shall we get going?” 

The footman turned toward Georgi, staring with empty black eyes, opened his segmented jaws and released a horrifying screech. 

Georgi fainted.

***

“Madam? Madam?” A soft voice pulled Georgi from the safe cocoon of darkness. He pried open his heavy eyelids and peered up at the shadowed face.

“Nrf?” Georgi said elegantly. 

“Madam, you’ve arrived. May I assist you from your… carriage?” The elegantly dressed man peered questioningly at the metal contraption. 

“Arrived? Oh… Oh! Right, of course,” Georgi took the offered hand and managed to pull himself upright enough to start straightening his skirts. As the castle footman, for that’s the only person he could be, helped Georgi from the carriage Georgi’s eyes slid toward the driver's seat. No one seemed to be giving the straight-backed figure a second glance. Oh the power of ignoring the help.

The footman led Georgi toward the open entrance. Light streamed through accompanied by music and the murmur of voices. His excitement mounted with each step. A real ball! Oh how he’d dreamed about this day!

Even his wildest dreams couldn’t prepare him for what he found inside, though. 

Gauzy tapestries of blue and black draped from the ceilings and walls, giving the white marble of the hall the appearance of a sparkling wedding cake. The dancers in their colorful gowns swirled beneath the largest chandelier Georgi had ever seen. Everywhere he looked was something new, beautiful and interesting. 

“How shall I announce you?” a man in the same outfit as the footman asked.

“Oh, uh, that’s really not necessary,” Georgi tried to step around but the man moved to block his path.

“All guests are to be announced, how shall I announce you?” the man insisted.

Georgi racked his brain trying to think of a suitable alias. The first names that came to mind were his exes which he obviously couldn’t use. His parent’s names were too old fashioned to be the name of someone his own age. There had to be something… 

His mouth hadn’t gotten the memo that they were looking for an alias, though. “Geor-GIA!” It was possibly the worst alias ever but at least it wasn’t his real name… or well it was but there was an extra letter! That would just have to be good enough. 

“The lady Georgia!” a few heads turned as the call rang out and Georgi suddenly wished he’d thought to ask Yakov for a mask no matter how strange it would look. He scanned the room quickly, but the three people he needed to most avoid didn’t appear to be within eyesight so hopefully they couldn’t see him either. Georgi lifted his skirts and fled as quickly as etiquette allowed down the stairs to hide within the throngs of dancers.

Once he was semi-hidden amidst wall of bodies he started to relax. It was still possible to run into someone who knew him, of course, but he felt far less conspicuous at least. Georgi wound his way through the crowds, admiring the elegant clothes of the celebrants and catching bits of gossip from chattering groups. At some point a class of champagne was deposited in his hand by an almost unseen waiter. Plates of canapes were offered with a bow and he sampled happily from the range of delicacies. He’d known there would be food, music and beautiful people at a ball, but he’d never known it would be anything like this. No wonder his mother had spoken of her memories of girlhood balls with such fondness. The only thing he couldn’t do was-

“May I have this dance?” Georgi popped a canape in his mouth and glanced around to see which lucky lady was being whisked away to the dance floor. He saw the man first, elegant in blue and black that matched the tapestries, but it took him a moment to register that the man’s hand was extended… toward him. 

The canape made a mad dash down his throat and Georgi barely managed to swallow fast enough to keep it out of his lungs. He swallowed the cough with a gulp of champagne which only made things worse and soon he was hacking like a cat with a hairball. 

His cheeks burned but the man before him hadn’t moved, despite the horrific display.   
“M- me?” he checked again for some other lady that the gentleman before him surely meant. 

“I am asking you. So of course it’s you,” the man said simply. 

Georgi hesitated a moment before taking the man’s hand and allowing himself to be led to the dance floor. This was a perfectly terrible idea, he knew, but he wanted to dance so badly. His mother had said dancing at balls was like experiencing magic. Though considering the magic he’d experienced today maybe this wasn’t such a great idea… 

Before he could change his mind he was whirled into the music by his partner. The music was neither slow nor fast and didn’t require a lot of movement, which was lucky because all of his dance lessons had all involved him leading so he was sure to mess up following quite badly. It was awkward, there was no way it couldn’t be, but Georgi found himself enjoying it all the same. 

“What is your name?” his handsome partner asked. 

“G-georgia,” Georgi mumbled.

“Georgia? I had a dog named Georgia,” the dark haired man’s eyes never wavered from Georgi’s as they danced. 

“Oh… I...see?” Was that supposed to be a good thing, Georgi wondered. “May I ask with whom I have the honor of dancing?” 

The man blinked and frowned slightly. “You don’t know?”

“...No? If I have caused offense, I am sorry! My family was not much involved with society. Even before…” Georgi hesitated.

“Before?” the man prompted. 

“Just before.” He really didn’t need to spill his life story to random strangers. “What did you say your name was?”

“Seung Gil,” the man said simply, studying Georgi as if expecting a reaction.

The name sounded familiar but he couldn’t guess where from. It certainly wasn’t the name of one of his pets, though he was tempted to claim so just to see what the other man could have meant by his previous statement. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Seung Gil.” If nothing else Georgi could remember his manners, unlike his dance partner. Though he was quite handsome and danced with precision and grace. It was a shame he didn’t smile, though. 

“Indeed,” was the only response he got before the song ended. Georgi half bowed before he remembered his skirts and curtsied instead, but Seung Gil didn’t release his hand and soon they were caught up in another song. 

They danced through the night. It was beautiful, magical and everything Georgi could have ever hoped for. He’d all but given up hope of finding his one true love, yet here he was in a scene from a fairy tale at a ball with a handsome man. 

Until he noticed the clock and Yakov’s offhand remark came back to him. “This all wears off at midnight.” He’d meant to ask for some clarification, but he suddenly had a feeling he knew. Which meant he had to not only get out of the ball, he had to get home before midnight or else he’d be stranded in a strange place with only a colander and some eggplants. 

“I have to go!” Georgi froze. The dancers nearest them swerved to avoid the sudden obstacle in the middle of the floor. 

“Go? It’s barely ten?”

“Oh you know how it is,” Georgi laughed nervously, trying to pull free of Seung Gil’s hold. “Early to bed and all that.”

“The ball isn’t over yet,” Seung Gil insisted.

“Really, I have to go. If I don’t go now who knows when I’ll get home! Probably not until tomorrow evening!” Georgi’s panicked movements finally managed to free him from Seung Gil’s grasp and he darted for the exit. 

“Wait!” Seung Gil called after him, but Georgi refused to be halted. He wove among the dancers, ducking under arms and through couples. The stairs up from the ballroom toward the main entrance slowed him down considerably, he really needed to exercise me, but soon he was out the door and home free!

Or so he thought. 

“Stop!” The voice, closer behind than he had expected, startled him into a half turn. Unfortunately, one of his boots seemed to have come unlaced at some point and the lace caught beneath the toe of the other, sending him into freefall down the wide staircase. He landed in a pained and breathless heap in front of the carriage path. 

“I said stop!” Seung Gil stood at the top of the stairs and started making his, far more graceful, descent. 

Georgi scrabbled up and cast around for his coach. He was suddenly thankful for the distinctive appearance as he found it almost immediately and ran stumbling toward it. WIthout a backward glance he threw open the door and climbed in, hoping Seung Gil hadn’t been able to see which carriage he’d entered.

He banged on the roof with all his might. “We need to go!” He called to the driver. 

Something moved beside him in the dark and he froze, pressing himself to the door and the feeble light that drifted through the holes. 

From the darkness a human shape gradually took form. 

“Who’s there? This is my carriage… you shouldn’t be in here,” Georgi tried to sound braver than he felt. The shape leaned into the light, revealing twin obsidian eyes and Georgi realized the shape in the darkness was his driver. He promptly fainted.

***

“Georgi, what the hell are you doing?” 

Georgi groaned. He felt like he’d been run over by a carriage. Why was everything so bright anyway? He forced his eyes open, holding up a hand to block the worst of the glare and peered up at the silhouette above him. “Mila?”

“Uh, yeah,” Mila rolled her eyes. “What are you doing out here… in that….?”

“Seems pretty obvious to me. He’s finally lost was little remained of his mind,” Anya’s snide voice drifted across the… grass? Georgi struggled to sit up and look around. 

He was on the front lawn of his castle in his mother’s wedding dress, which was tight enough he was pretty sure it might need to be cut off. Beside him law a colander and two eggplants. 

Suddenly he remembered the events of the night before. It seemed he’d made it back in time, at least… if not back inside or out of his dress. The carriage must have transformed out from under him when it turned back into a colander. That and his trip down the stairs would explain why he was so sore as well. He managed to get his feet under him and stand.

“What did you do to your face?” JJ peered over Mila’s shoulder at him. 

“My face?” Georgi touched a hand to his face, which seemed to be just as bruised and sore as the rest of him. “I fell down some stairs…”

“Ouch,” Mila winced. “Well that would explain the tooth as well, I guess.”

“Tooth?” Mila opened her mouth and touched a finger to one of her front teeth. Georgi mimicked her and found… a hole. “My tooth!?” He fled into the castle, leaving the colander and eggplants behind in his mad dash for a mirror. 

Sure enough the tooth was missing. Georgi groaned and buried his head in his hands. 

***

“Georgi! Get down here!” Mila’s voice broke through the haze Georgi had sunk into as he scrubbed the hall down for the third time. Cleaning didn’t make him feel better but it was something to do that wasn’t thinking about how horrible he looked with a missing tooth. He’d even taken to just accepting every order with a nod to avoid having to open his mouth.

He sighed and dropped the sponge back into the water bucket before making his way downstairs. Couldn’t Mila get her own tea for once? Just once? Was that really too much to ask?

Mila wasn’t the only one waiting for him, though. The foyer was absolutely full of people, none of whom he recognized. Georgi suddenly wished he was wearing anything in the world except his damp kneed, soapy cleaning clothes.

“This is the only other person living here,” Anya motioned dismissively to Georgi, “And as you can see he’s not exactly ball material.” A stiff faced man stepped forward, giving Georgi a quick up and down and a scowl to show he was clearly found wanting.

“If you would open your mouth, sir,” the man’s voice dripped contempt and boredom.

Georgi’s eyes widened and he shook his head frantically. No way he was going to make a laughing stock of himself in front of this many people. 

“Sir, I must insist,” the haughty man sniffed. 

Reluctantly Georgi opened his mouth, still not sure what was happening. He winced when everyone gathered gasped. He knew it looked stupid but did they really have to react so blatantly? Didn’t politeness dictate they pretend nothing was wrong until they could snicker about him behind their hands?

The man in front of him, decidedly less haughty now, pulled something from his pocket and held it up in front of Georgi’s face. It took him a minute to recognize, but he realized that the man was holding his missing tooth!

Georgi grabbed for it, but the man jumped back, startled by the sudden movement. “I need that! I might be able to put it back or something! I don’t know if fairies do that but maybe…”

“Sir, you are the owner of this tooth?” the man asked.

“Yes, of course. Give it back!”

“Then it is decided. It was declared that the owner of this tooth was to be Prince Seung Gil’s bride.” The crowd parted and Georgi recognized the man pushing through as his dance partner from the ball. Who, he now realized, must be Prince Seung Gil! The prince must have thought him to be quite the country bumpkin when he didn’t recognize him immediately!

“It’s your tooth?” the prince asked.

“...Yes.”

“You don’t actually have to marry me or anything. The king can’t make people get married, no matter how much he thinks he can.” Seung Gil’s expression didn’t change but it seemed like he was trying to convey something with his intense glare.

“Will you agree to marry the prince?” the haughty man asked. 

“I…” he glanced toward the handsome prince. Could this be it? His fairy tale ending? “I… would be honored!”

To his surprise, Seung Gil scowled. “Really? You are just going to marry some stranger you danced with for a bit?” 

“I thought you wanted to marry the owner of the tooth?” the other man said slowly.

“Of course I don’t. Why would I want to get married? There’s no merit in it whatsoever. I just thought it would be impossible to find the owner of some random tooth. I mean you were obviously in disguise, I thought you would deny it!” he directed the last to Georgi.

“I… I… what? So… you don’t want to marry me?” 

“No, and you shouldn’t want to marry me either. This is all ridiculous,” Seung Gil said firmly.

“Oh… then… I guess I don’t want to marry you? If you don’t want to marry me…” Georgi said hesitantly. He was a little disappointed to miss his happy ending, but it was really sounding like he’d dodged a bullet managing to not marry this prince. “Can I at least have my tooth back?”

Seung Gil plucked the tooth from the footman’s hand and handed it to Georgi. “I will arrange for one of the castle fairies to stop by and put it back for you if you agree to tell everyone that you refused to marry me.”

Georgi thought for a moment. It was very much not a fairy tale ending, but at least he’d get his beautiful smile back. 

“Deal.”


	5. Booty and the Beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seung Gil's peaceful solitude is interrupted by a very unexpected guest

 

After what had come to be known as “that tooth fiasco” the king and queen were less than pleased with their son, Seung Gil. So they sent him to live in the summer castle and told all the nobles that he was going to a far off country to study. Perhaps they thought isolation would be some kind of punishment, but if so it was clear they knew even less about their son than they thought.

He generally enjoyed his time alone to spend perfecting whatever project he wanted to work on.

Until one day, a horrible storm drowned the land and the prince heard a knock at the castle door. When he opened the door outside stood a beautiful witch. She was soaked through and her long black hair clung to her tanned skin like tentacles.

"Please, can you give me a place to wait out the rain?" she begged.

"What merit is there to letting you drip on my floors?" asked the Prince. "I will have to have the floors mopped and clean everything you touch. No." WIth that he started to shut the door in her face.

Suddenly with a BANG an evil warlock appeared. "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GET MY SISTER INTO YOUR HOUSE!" he screamed.

"Mickey... that's not...I was asking for shelter..." the witch started, but was quickly drowned out.

"HOW DARE YOU TELL HER NO! BE MORE POLITE TO A LADY!" With a snap of his fingers the warlock cursed the prince, then he and the witch disappeared in a poof.

The prince didn't even notice the curse and just went about his life. Food continued to be on the table when he wanted to eat, the castle was clean and everything he needed for his projects arrived when he needed it. What was there to even notice?

Then one day there came another knock at the door.

"Go away!" shouted the Prince. Still bitter about the time he had to interact with a woman when he opened his door, but the knocking persisted.

Finally he gave in and opened the door with a growl.

For a microsecond he thought it was another annoying woman, but then he saw the light stubble and thick pecs peeking out from the low cut dress.

"Well, my my my, what a big scary boy you are!" said the thing at his doorstep.

"What are you wearing?" Seung Gil said slowly.

"You like?" it twirled around. The tiny purple dress didn't move at all as it clung to the bulges and lumps of the strong form beneath.

"...No?" the prince wasn't entirely sure how to answer the question.

"I've heard all about you, you know," the thing suddenly draped itself on him, the contact freezing the prince with shock. "The big scary monster hiding in the castle and terrifying all the poor people sent here." The thing rubbed its fingers through the fur of the prince's chest, "I just HAD to come see for myself."

"What... are you talking about?" the prince reluctantly asked. Sure the servants had seemed frightened and quiet, but he ‘d simply seen it as a boon since they always used to try to chat with him.

"I'm talking about YOU, handsome boy!" The... he was pretty sure at this point it was a man in a stolen dress, purred against him. The prince just shook his head in confusion. "Do you have a mirror? You HAVE to have a mirror! Place like this? One of those big wall size ones with the fancy border, I bet!" The man grabbed the prince's arm and pulled him into his own house, kicking the door shut behind him.

"The... ballroom has big mirrors...." the prince said reluctantly, too confused to fight much.

"Perfect! Lead the way, big boy!" The prince lead his strange guest through the disused parts of the castle to the giant ballroom. It was a bit dusty, many of the cleaning staff had quit suddenly a few months ago and there weren’t enough people to care for rooms that weren’t even used.

When they reached the ballroom the man pushed the prince in front of one of the giant mirrors, and once again he froze.

He had noticed he didn’t seem to need fires to be warm or many candles to see... but he'd never suspected...

He stared at the form staring at him from the mirror.

"Is... that... me??" he touched the mirror with one furred and clawed hand. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been like this, but he really should have noticed, he thought.

"It sure is," the man cooed, running his fingers across the prince's chest as he remained frozen in front of the mirror. "I heard you were big and hairy, but mmmm it's even better than I expected."

"Who...are you, anyway," the prince finally asked. "And why are you wearing a dress?"

"Me? Oh how rude of me, I didn't introduce myself! My name is Chris, sugar, and the dress? Well I wanted to look my best for you." the prince grabbed the hand straying down from his chest and removed both of them from his person.

"You said you'd heard about me... do you mean from the palace? From the old servants?" His mind was rapidly putting all the pieces into the most logical series of events but there were still a few missing pieces.

"I don’t know anything about the palace or servants, but the grumpy little sis-con warlock in town was drunk in my tavern a few nights ago talking a~all about it." somehow Chris managed to twist his hand in the prince's grip to play a thumb along his palm pads.

"Oh..." the picture was beginning to form. "Did he mention more details about the curse?"

"Something about being more polite to women, but I just HAD to get here before anyone had a chance to muck this up for me," Chris purred. "I've seen the pictures, of course. Lovely little Prince Seung-Gil so quiet and stoic, but I was filled with hope when I heard the rumors and I must say I'm not disappointed." The man's gaze raked up and down the prince's form so lasciviously he made all of his hair stand on end.

"I'm... not sure what you mean?" There were a few possible meanings to all of this, but... some of them just seemed far too outlandish to be true.

"Oh, don't you?" he managed to wiggle his hands free of Seung-Gil's paws and flattened himself along the prince's side. For the third time in less than half an hour the prince felt himself unable to move. A sizable erection was pressed against his hip beneath the silken fabric of the dress as the other man rubbed against him, his fingers tangled in the thick white fur of the prince's chest.

So surprised was he that he was too slow to stop the wandering hand from plunging into the loose trousers he was wearing.

Chris let out a thick moan and rubbed himself harder against the prince's side. "Oh even more than I could ever hope for, yeeeeeeeesssssssss."

"I'm.... really not sure what you...." The prince felt his brain short circuiting. Between the sudden realization that he had somehow become a humanoid dog, the man wantonly rubbing against him and the hand around his cock there was just too much to process at once.

"You don't want me?" the man pouted, his hands finally stopped moving. Seung-Gil was torn.

On one hand (paw?) he hadn't yet come to terms with this new form, and there was evidently a way to return to his old one? On the other, though, there was a willing body pressed against him that didn't seem to mind the fur. His few previous relationship had all ended fairly quickly, mostly by his own hand though some with his boyfriends saying he was "beautiful but cold" and it had been a while since he'd... done anything.

"M...maybe just this once..." he said slowly. "I'm not promising anything after that." He managed to disentangle himself from the hand at his crotch with effort and lead his guest toward his bedroom, despite the difficulty of walking with an erection.

"Hmm, no promises is it?" Chris smiled. "That's fine. I will say, though, if you are the _knotty_ boy I think you are, you'll never get rid of me."


	6. Big Red Riding Hood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A disappointed Chris wanders away through the woods.

Chris picked his way through the trees, wrapping his stolen coat around him to combat the chill.

“Absolutely unbelievable,” he grumbled to himself. “What kind of sadist makes a curse that breaks at the best part! Un-fucking-believable.” He’d been so sure of his future, he could see the years of happiness stretching before him with Prince Seung Gil. Then, just as things were getting good (and looking to get really good, in his personal opinion), everything went to shit. 

How could he have known that having his tall, dark and furry prince charming begging would break the curse? Evidently “please” was the magic word that could turn Seung Gil from a dream boat to a snore fest. If he ever got a hold of that sister complex warlock Chris was going to give him a piece of his mind. He hadn’t even gotten that monster dick inside him before it fizzled away in a puff of glitter. The disappointment was so overwhelming there was nothing for it but to flee the scene, though he had grabbed a fancy looking coat on the way out. It was cold in the woods at night and it wouldn’t go well with Seung Gil’s complexion anyway. 

Now he was tripping over roots in a moonlit forest instead of snug in a bed with a knot the size of a baseball rubbing him in all the right ways. A little grumbling was more than justified. 

“What are you doing out all alone at night, little girl?” 

Chris froze, searching the darkness for the source of the voice. 

“Er… big… girl?? Boy?” The voice came closer, etched with confusion, until Chris could make out a shape in the gloom. 

“I’m all man, I’ll have you know,” Chris sniffed haughtily. 

“Oh… well… uh…” It was too dark to see much, but a shaft of moonlight peeking through the trees allowed Chris to see light fur, a pair of inquisitive ears and a twitching tail as the shape in the darkness slunk around him. His interest was most definitely peaked. Maybe this night wasn’t a total wash after all. 

“How about you? You a big boy?” Chris purred into the darkness. 

“I’m not a little boy! I’m an adult!” The voice growled, sending shivers of anticipation up Chris’ spine. 

“Glad to hear it,” Chris turned, trying to follow the path of the voice through the trees. “What are you looking for out here in the shadows tonight, hmm? Some company?”

“I’m certainly not looking for some tough old man,” the voice snorted. Chris scowled, but the voice continued before he had a chance to respond. “Just get going. I’m not hungry enough to eat your gristly bones. You better be gone by morning, though, or I might be willing to stew you up.” With a last growl the voice disappeared into the night. 

“Old man?! Gristly! Impertinent brat! I’ll have you know my skin is supple as a baby’s!” Chris started grumbling again as he continued through the woods. Who did that little welp think he was! Anyone would be lucky to get the chance to make a meal of the fine specimen that Chris was! 

Chris was so caught up in his internal rant that he plowed straight into the fence before he saw it, barely managing to catch himself before tumbling head first into the small vegetable patch it protected. He’d managed to stumble onto what appeared to be a small cottage nestled among the trees. The windows were shuttered, but he figured he might as well see if anyone was home. He went around to the front of the small cabin and rapped gently on the door. 

For a moment nothing happened. He was just considering trying the handle when the door creaked open slightly, a big, brown eye peering out through the crack beneath a thick chain.

“Who’s there?” The voice was quiet, but definitely male. 

“Good evening! Sorry to disturb you so late,” Chris said in his most winning tone. “I got a bit lost in the woods and was wondering if I could maybe beg some shelter for the night? There seems to be some wild animals about!”

He could practically feel the hesitation in the other man, and when the door closed he briefly despaired until he heard the sound of the chain being removed and the door opened once again. Chris was ushered inside quickly before the door slammed shut and was relocked. 

“Sorry about that. You were right, there’s been a wolf poking around recently,” the small man checked the locks again before turning back to Chris. “My name is Guang Hong. Would you like something to eat? I have some soup and bread.”

Guang Hong was cute in a mousey sort of way. Not at all Chris’ type but some would find that innocence appealing. As is the boy had nothing to fear, no matter how horny he was still feeling. 

“That would be lovely, thank you,” Chris winked, causing the boy to blush and rush away to the stove. Definitely too innocent for his tastes.

The soup was delicious, and the bread as well. The blush that grew darker and darker on Guang Hong’s face at Chris’ appreciative noises as he ate was also delightful. If the boy took some initiative maybe he wouldn’t be too adverse to a roll in the hay. There was a more interesting subject on his mind, though.

“So tell me about this wolf that’s been poking around,” he said as he helped Guang Hong put away the last of the dishes. 

“The wolf? I don’t know much, really… It showed up in this area not too long ago. I don’t know where it came from or if it’s going to stick around. A few people in the village have complained about it, but I think it bothers me the most just because I live so far from the other houses.” Guang Hong chewed his lip and glanced nervously at the window. 

Suddenly there was a loud BANG at the door. Guang Hong yelped, jumping into Chris’ arms. 

“You in there, little piggy?” Chris recognized the voice from the forest.

“G-go away!” Guang Hong shouted.

“I’m so hungry, little piggy. Soft little piggy. Why don’t you let me in? I promise you’ll enjoy it when I eat you up,” the voice was almost purring in a very unwolf-like way. 

“Who would enjoy being eaten! Go away!” Guang Hong screamed. 

“Just think about it little piggy. You’ll enjoy it very very much.” The voice was circling the house accompanied by the occasional sound of claws on the wood.

“GO AWAY!” Guang Hong yelled as loud as possible.

“All right, little piggy. For now. I’ll be back though.” 

Chris waited, but there was only silence and the sound of Guang Hong’s gasping breath. 

“Is… is it gone?” Guang Hong moved to the door, listening. 

“I think so? Does it come here every night?” Chris was starting to have an idea.

“Most nights, yeah. Always asks me to let it in so it can eat me!” Guang Hong’s big eyes were filled with tears. “I don’t want to be eaten!”

Chris thought for a moment, his plan beginning to take shape. 

“I think I know a way to deal with your wolf problem once and for all,” Chris smiled. “Here’s what we’ll do.”

***

The next evening Guang Hong donned Chris’ stolen purple coat and headed into the village to stay with a friend for the night and Chris got to work getting everything ready. 

First he took a long bath, scrubbing himself thoroughly and soaking in Guang Hong’s rose scented bath oils. Then he banked the fire and placed candles strategically around the room. Last he grabbed Guang Hong’s red cloak and wrapped it around himself before climbing into bed and double checking the angles of the candles. Everything was perfect. He settled down with a book to wait.

He was only a few chapters into the book when he heard the thud at the door. 

“Little piggy, are you there?” The growl had Chris’ hair (and other things) standing straight up. 

“What do you want?” Chris tried to mimic Guang Hong’s voice as best he could. 

For a moment the voice didn’t’ answer, and Chris worried that he’d been found out already. But, then:

“You know what I want, little piggy. I want to eat you up. I promise you’ll enjoy it.” Chris smirked, he was most certainly going to enjoy it.

“Do you promise? I’ll really enjoy it?” He almost gagged at the amount of innocence he was trying to project. 

“Oh yes, little piggy. I promise you’ll enjoy it very much.” Chris wrapped himself tightly in Guang Hong’s red cloak and made sure the hood was covering as much of his face as possible. Time for step two.

“O-okay… The door is unlocked… You have to promise not to hurt me, though!” Chris rolled on his side, facing away from door just as it opened. 

“Well, well, little piggy. I thought you’d never give in!” The door clicked shut and the sound of soft footsteps followed as the wolf approached the bed.

“I’ll do anything you want, just don’t hurt me, okay?” Chris’ throat hurt from the fake falsetto but he was determined. 

“Of course, little piggy.” Chris jumped when clawed fingers touched his shoulder. Then shivered as they traced along his side, only the red cloak between them and his skin. He felt the blanket slide away as the fingers pushed it past his hip and down his legs. 

“My my, little piggy. What hairy legs you have,” the wolf growled. 

“The better to keep me warm in winter,” Chris murmured in his false voice. The wolf gave a small hum and traced his claws back up, lifting the red cloak as the went. 

“My my, little piggy. What big muscles you have!” The wolf paused to run his fingers over Chris’ thighs. 

“The better to do farmwork,” Chris said softly.

The wolf said nothing but began to push the cloak up further. 

“All naked and ready for me, such a bold little piggy you are! I would never have thought it of you! And what’s this! My my, little piggy, what a round butt you have!” The wolf spread his hands across Chris’ glutes and gave an appreciative squeeze.

“The better to sit and wait for you to get on with it,” Chris gave a little growl of his own and rolled onto his stomach, pressing his butt up into the wolf’s grip.

“I’ll go as fast as I want, little piggy,” the wolf gave one of the mounds a quick slap and Chris moaned. 

“Of course, Mr. Wolfy. Whatever you want,” Chris hoped he got another slap for his impertinence. 

“Yuri,” the wolf said. Chris frowned. He was hoping for some good old fashioned yaoi, no girls allowed! “My name is Yuri, and you will scream it before I’m through.” Oh, a name. No girls. No problem then. 

“Yuri~!” Chris moaned, rubbing his butt against the rough hands still spread across it. 

One hand traced over his hip and dipped down to grab his straining cock. 

“...Oh.” Chris froze, that was not normally the reaction he got. 

“Oh?!” Chris tried to turn and glare, but the hood of the cloak hid Yuri from view. 

“Uh, I mean… Sorry, it’s just that fish made it sound like you had a tenderloin in your trousers so I wasn’t expecting sausage, if you know what I mean. Not that there’s anything wrong with sausage! I’m to the sausage side myself! I just mean-” Chris tuned out the senseless babble.

“Are you going to keep talking or are you going to fuck me?” Chris snarled.

“Huh? Oh… uh, okay…” Yuri’s hand left his now far less enthusiastic dick and returned to help it’s mate pull apart the globes of his ass. 

If both hands are on my ass then… that dumb dog better not be going to- OH! Chris collapsed forward, burying his face in the pillow as Yuri’s tongue speared his hole.

“Ooooh yes! Yes! Good dog! Good dog!” Chris thrashed against the bed, shoving his ass back into that wicked mouth. He was rewarded with a sharp slap on his flank and the words “not a dog” growled directly into his center. 

Yuri’s tongue reached deep within him, wringing cries of pleasure from his throat. Chris could feel the saliva dripping down his balls. He tried again to turn, to watch, but the cloak continued to thwart his efforts, tangling sensuously around him. He gave in and buried his face in the pillow, arching his back to give Yuri full access. 

A choked sob broke free when that magical tongue suddenly disappeared. “Nooo,” Chris whimpered.

Yuri delivered another hard smack to his dripping ass then followed up immediately by plunging balls deep between the stinging cheeks. 

Through the first few thrusts Chris rode the stinging burn, allowing the almost pain to ratchet him higher, but far too soon that wasn’t enough. While there was a definite animal enthusiasm behind the thrusts and a prick of claws where Yuri was gripping his hips, it wasn’t anything close to enough. 

While he would admit he was a bit of a size queen, Chris was experienced enough to know size wasn’t the only thing, or even the most important thing. For him personally, even more than a thick cock, the rasp of chest hair along his back or a heavy weight smashing him into the sheets could throw him over the edge. Unfortunately the red cloak that had seemed such a good disguise in the planning stage was nothing but trouble in practice. It would have to go. There didn’t seem any point on maintaining the charade when he already had his prey right where he wanted anyway.

Levering himself from the mattress slightly, he managed to claw at the neck closure. He spared a brief thought toward trying not to break it, but getting the offending bit of cloth OFF was a much higher priority than making sure someone one else could put it on in the future. Finally the clasp gave and he pulled at the shoulder, trying futilely to rid himself from the last barrier between him and Yuri. 

After an eternity of struggle the fabric slid from his sweaty back to puddle beneath him. With a triumphant sob Chris arched up, begging Yuri to cover him fully. The wolf responded with a snarl and dropped forward, clawed hands resting on the bed behind Chris’ own as he rested his full weight on the man beneath him. Weight which, if he was being perfectly honest, Chris barely noticed. Even more disappointing, the dripping chest rubbing against his back was completely devoid of hair. It would be just his luck to stumble across some sort of hairless wolf species. 

Even if this was far from his ideal fuck, he was determined to enjoy it, though. There were still things that could be done, and Yuri had shown himself willing to get handsy at least. Chris would just have to encourage more of that. 

“Come on, puppy, give it to me good! You can do harder than that!” 

“I’m...not… a fucking… dog!” Yuri interspersed each word with a hard thrust, but that was all.

“Show me, puppy! Show me what a big bad wolf you are!” Chris chided. 

Yuri increased the speed of his thrusts with a snarled, “Shut...up!”

“Make me,” Chris said breathlessly. 

With a roar Yuri leaned forward and buried his teeth in the meat of his shoulder. It was finally enough. Chris erupted with a strangled howl. Yuri followed soon after, the sudden release of teeth and flood of warmth inside him causing an extra spurt from Chris’ tired cock. 

For a long moment they lay motionless, sweat and semen dripping down their legs, then Yuri pulled free and rolled to his side. Chris felt his cock twitch as semen flowed freely from his gaping hole, but he ignored it, propping himself up on an elbow to get his first good look at his bedmate. 

Two small, rounded ears tipped with black poked up through the not quite shoulder length strands of hair spread across the pillow next to him. Lower an ocean of pale skin greeted his eyes, the hair only a few shades darker than the creamy expanse. A long, thin tail curled over thin thighs just beneath the equally thin though decidedly not as long cock. 

Chris frowned, “You’re not a wolf…”

Yuri blinked bright green eyes at him, “I never said I was?”

“No… I suppose you didn’t. Not many other predators in the woods here, though, and you aren’t a bear...unfortunately,” Chris added under his breath. 

“I’m not from here,” Yuri stretched languidly. “I’m from the snow country.”

“You’re quite far from home…” Chris watched him stretch. Flexible, but still far too small for Chris’ taste. The boy was barely bigger than Guang Hong!

“Well that stupid fish made you sound a lot more exciting than you are,” Yuri curled his lip. “Uh… no offense, I guess?” 

Charming. Chris ignored that, instead focusing on the more important part, “What do you mean ‘exciting’?”

“He said there was a boy so hung you could fuck him and suck him off at the same time,” Yuri said simply. “Either I’d have to be a boneless fish to imitate that or his directions are shit.”

Chris gaped, brain whirring as he tried to put these facts together. “So… where did this… fish? say you could find this… well hung gentleman?” 

“I followed his directions perfectly!” Yuri snarled. “He said this would be Guang Hong’s house! So is it or did that stupid fish fuck up the directions?” 

“Well… yes, this is Guang Hong’s house,” Chris said slowly.

“Well, there you go then. Fucking fish. I’m flexible but I’m not an octopus.” Yuri stood and stretched again. “Thanks for the fuck, I guess. I won’t be sticking around this town, so doubt we’ll see each other again.” 

Without another word Yuri left, the door slamming shut solidly behind him and leaving Chris speechless on the bed. Maybe he’d have to stick around and get to know Guang Hong better…


	7. Whapunzel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri finds something interesting in the forest.

Yuri wandered through the woods, tail twitching lazily. He’d come a long way from the snow country after hearing an ex-mermaid’s tales of sexual exploits in the area, but he was quite frankly disappointed. If that Guang Hong really had the biggest dick Phichit had ever seen then maybe the fish hadn’t gotten around quite as much as he made it seem. Even Yuri had seen quite a few better. The guy did have a nice ass, though. So nice it was a little bit strange that hadn’t been mentioned... maybe mermaids just weren’t into asses?

He shrugged the thoughts away, turning his attention to the sounds of the forest around him. This area was nice enough, a bit warm for his tastes but that meant there were lots of good spots to nap. Like that rock near the creek. Or that tree. Or even that patch of clover. Maybe he should take a nap… He’d been walking almost an hour, surely that was enough to justify one?

After some debate he chose a tall tree with thick branches arching over the bubbling creek. A space in the leaves bathed one of the boughs in warm light, making a perfect bed. Yuri sprawled out on the branch and fell promptly asleep.

**

Yuri’s woke slowly, ears twitching. He stayed still, listening for whatever it was that had roused him. For a moment there was only the rustling leaves and blowing wind, then the noise came again. The sound was soft, carried on the wind from some distance, and impossible to identify. It sounded a bit like a dying animal, but maybe also a cat in heat? Yuri stretched quickly and leapt down from the tree. 

He followed the faint cry over the creek and through a small meadow. As it got louder he became more and more confused as to what could possibly be making such a noise. It didn’t seem to be a dying animal, it was far too regular for that. Something in heat was still possible, but it was no animal he knew if that was the case. Perhaps it was some kind of strange bird found only in this area? Like all of his kind, Yuri was a slave to his curiosity and he followed helplessly on. Desperate to know the sound’s source. 

Eventually the screeching noise grew so loud he could make out… words? 

“57 bottles of vodka on the wall~ 57 bottles of vodka~ take one down, pass it around~ 56 bottles of vodka on the wa~ll!”

Between the shrill quality and obvious human words, it became clear the culprit must be some kind of bird. Which meant it was his god given job as a being of the feline persuasion to shut it up permanently. 

Moving easily into stalking mode, Yuri lowered himself close to the ground, his claws kneading at the dirt as he readied himself for the hunt. He moved silently forward, ears rotating to catch the slightest sound and tail still and straight behind him. Each step was executed with all the skill of a superb hunter. 

He advanced slowly through the woods, the racket growing louder until he was tempted to press his ears to his skull to dull the ache it caused in his head. After what felt like an eternity of suffering, he came through the trees and saw an old stone tower half hidden in the gloom of the forest. A quick tilt of his head assured him the bird was out of sight at the top of the tower, leaving him free to explore the base.

The stones were old and large, leaving plenty of room for determined fingers if it came to climbing. A human might have been daunted by the height, but it would be nothing for Yuri. He moved around the tower, looking for an entrance. 

As he came around part of the wall, he froze, eyes riveted on what was before him. The shimmery silver shape swayed slowly, hypnotizing Yuri instantly. Back and forth. Back and forth. He lowered himself to the ground, tail flicking and ears riveted forward. Step by careful step he stalked forward, his extreme stealth letting him go completely unnoticed by his prey. The continued squawking of the bird on top of the tower might be distracting it as well, but obviously it was mostly because of how sneaky Yuri was.

Closer and closer he stalked. Waiting for the perfect moment. Then… he pounced.

A strange squawk came from above, but Yuri ignored it. His full attention was concentrated on keeping hold of his slithery prey as it tried to wind its way from his grip. It jerked up and down and side to side trying to escape, but he was an excellent predator and there was no breaking free of his hold. Even when he felt himself being dragged up against the stones of the tower, Yuri refused to relent. Even when he smacked into a ledge then suddenly fell onto a painfully hard surface, he refused to let go. None would break free from he, for he was the best of all hunters!

“What the hell? Hey! Stop that!” Yuri ignored the voice, flossing his teeth with the silky fur of his new toy. “That is totally disgusting! Stop it!” His prey gave a jerk, trying to wrench itself away, but Yuri held on.

From the corner of his eye the noble hunter spied an incoming threat angling to steal his prize. Quick as lightning, his claws darted out to capture the interloper, but it evaded and retreated beyond his reach. Ha! He’d showed it who the superior predator was, obviously. Yuri returned his attention to his new treasure.

Soon, though, the threat returned. He watched it circle around him, trying to find a weak point that didn't exist. It moved in slowly, but Yuri was ever ready. As soon as it was within range he struck out… and reeled back from the sudden pain in his face, yowling. Yuri scurried to the relative safety of a wall to assess the damage. 

Blood gushed down his face. He touched a hand to his nose lightly and recoiled from the pain. 

“‘Oo b’oke my ‘ucki’g ‘ose!” Yuri garbled, glaring at the offender through watery eyes.

“You can talk?! And you attacked me first!” The man replied, keeping the frying pan in his hand raised and ready.

“I was playing!” Yuri noticed the man had very pretty silver hair, which trailed down the man’s length and curled across the floor in loops, until it ended in a tangled, moist ball from where he’d been attacking it. 

It was only then Yuri realized that he’d been hunting the man’s hair, not some sort of magical silvery beast. He drew himself up straight; if they didn’t acknowledge it that meant it didn’t happen. He looked around instead. Somehow he’d ended up inside a room at the top of the tower… “Where’s the bird?” he said instead of thinking about useless things.

“The… what? What bird?” the man narrowed his icy eyes. “There isn’t a bird here…”

Yuri peered up at the rafters, there weren’t any birds there. He looked carefully around the room, but no birds. “Maybe it’s on the roof? I heard it, you can’t lie to me. It was squawking some song that led me here.” Yuri poked his head out the window to look up toward the roof, ignoring the blood still dripping from his nose and speckling the stones beneath him.

“Squawking? Wait… are you… are you talking about my singing?!” 

He turned from the window to stare at the man. “There’s no way those sounds came from a human throat. It was horrible. I must put it out of my misery.” He returned to the window, looking for a way up to the roof. 

“99 bottles of vodka on the wall! 99 bottles of vodka!” Yuri flinched, ears flattening to his skull at the horrible noise behind him. The evil bitch who had broken his nose was standing in the middle of the room, mouth open and assaulting his ears.

“SHUT UP, MORON!” Yuri growled, covering his poor ears with his hands. When the noise finally ceased he checked his hands for blood, sure his ears must be bleeding as badly as his nose.

“I’m not a moron! My name is Victor Nikiforov and I’m-”

“What you are is a pain in the ass,” Yuri interrupted. “First you break my nose, then you try to break my eardrums. What the hell did I ever do to you?”

“Are you serious? You were eating my hair, then you attacked me!” Victor screeched. 

“Your hair is too long anyway,” Yuri sniffed. “Why don’t you cut it? It can’t be convenient like that.”

Victor picked up a loop of long, silver hair and pet it slowly. “Well, no it isn’t. Yakov, he’s like my dad or something, thinks it must be magical, though. So he won’t let me cut it.”

“Someone you don’t know if they are your dad thinks your hair is magical?” Yuri’s nose tried to wrinkle at the absurdity of it, but all it managed was another spurt of blood. 

“Something about eating magical plants before I was born, I think? I’m not sure… I was like 15 when he told me about it and I was a lot more interested in this amazingly delicious chocolate candy thing he’d brought me that day. I wasn’t really listening,” Victor shrugged. “He’s been trying a bunch of experiments with my hair but nothing has worked yet. If he finds out it does have healing powers I’ll never be able to cut it, though. He’s determined to keep me locked up in here until he figures it out, even! I’m never going to be able to leave this stupid tower!”

Yuri was a bit surprised by the sudden wave of words, but he supposed if he’d been locked up in a tower for however many years he’d be desperate to talk to someone as well. Maybe. “You should just leave, why would you wait to be let out?”

“There’s no door! Yakov always makes me put my hair out the window in like a loop so he can use it as a seat. It’s super uncomfortable and I’ve told him like a million times to just get a ladder, but he’s really stubborn,” Victor babbled.

“The stones are pretty uneven, you could just climb down,” Yuri pointed out. 

“Are you crazy?! I would fall and die! Yakov always says my hair is the only safe way up. I think he’s being a little over-dramatic, but maybe that’s why he won’t buy a ladder?” Victor mused. 

“He won’t buy a ladder because he doesn’t want you to escape, duh.” Yuri rolled his eyes. “Why should you care what he wants, though?”

“I don’t! I’m totally going to run away as soon as I find a way!” the man insisted. “It’s just hard!”

“Why don’t you just cut your hair and make a rope to climb down?” Yuri asked.

Victor stared at him. Those light blue eyes blinked once. Twice. “I… never thought of that!” 

“Are you actually stupid or just really that sheltered?” Yuri growled, contempt dripping from his words like blood continued to drip from his nose.

“I’m not stupid! There’s just no knives here so I obviously wouldn’t think of that!” Victor said triumphantly. “Yakov made sure there was nothing here I could hurt myself with after I almost cut my finger off that one time I tried to make stir fry.”

Yuri shook his head. “You really aren’t helping your case, but whatever. It’s not my problem. You can either let your hair down for me to climb or I can climb down the stones, either way I’m out of here.”

“Wait! Before you leave… I want to ask you a favor…” Victor said shyly.

“You broke my nose. What possible reason could I have to do you a favor?” Yuri scoffed. 

“I want you to fuck me.”

“Yeah, okay,” Yuri turned away from the window. He looked the man over with new eyes, it definitely wouldn’t be a chore. The paleness was most likely from being locked up, but it looked good with the ice blue eyes and fall of silver hair.

“I’ve been locked up here my whole life, and I mean obviously I masturbate, but it’s been YEARS and I just really… wait did you say yes?” Victor froze, his mouth wide enough to catch fish in. 

“Yeah, I’ll do it. I thought you were going to ask for something annoying,” Yuri responded with a shrug. It was annoying how the man had asked to have sex but didn’t seem to have any intention of actually getting to the actual fucking.

“Oh… well, in that case… uh,” Victor flopped back on the bed, spread eagle. “I’m ready!”

“Well for one thing, you are wearing too many clothes,” Yuri sighed. This is why he hated dealing with virgins.

“I knew that!” Victor flushed, sitting up to begin unbuttoning his shirt. “I was just… testing you to make sure I was in good hands!”

“Of course you were,” Yuri snorted, then winced at the pain in his nose. First time or not he was going to fuck this boy until his ass was as sore as Yuri’s nose. That would teach him. Of course his broken nose would also prevent him from using his preferred method of prep, and as pissed as he was he wasn’t going to make the idiot bleed. “You have any lube? Or whatever you use for masturbating?”

“I’ve done my research, you know. I have lube. Well. Yakov only buys this rose scented lotion. It’s kind of weird to use, but it makes your dick really soft?” Victor said as he shucked his pants and threw them on the floor.

“Well aren’t I lucky someone broke my fucking nose so I can’t smell shit,” Yuri grumbled. 

Victor wisely chose not to respond, instead retrieving the lotion and throwing it on the bed. 

Yuri watched him lie back in the spread eagle position he seemed to think was necessary. Virgins. He joined Victor on the bed, swiping away a loop of hair. The shit seemed to get everywhere. Yuri would never be able to have hair that long, it was just gross. 

The lotion was an equally gross pastel pink when Yuri squirted some into his hand. It was a good thing he couldn’t smell it or he’d probably have trouble getting hard. As is, even with the pain in his face, a few quick swipes had him raring to go. 

He tossed the bottle onto Victor’s stomach. “You’re going to have to help, unless you want claws in your ass.”

“Oh, that sounds… not great.” Victor squirted some of the lotion into his hand and starting poking at his own ass. 

Yuri was incredibly patient for a whole five seconds before saying, “Are you serious right now? That’s not going to get you ready to shit let alone take a cock up your ass. Put your finger in, don’t just poke at it. It’s not a dead bird you want to jab with a stick. One finger isn’t going to be half enough, either, moron.”

Victor pouted, but he was obviously a fast learner. Yuri watched him prepare himself, channeling every ounce of patience there was to be found in his body. Which wasn’t a lot. As soon as Victor went to add a third finger he swatted the man’s hand away. He’d been waiting long enough and Victor deserved to be sore tomorrow.

Shoving Victor’s legs up, Yuri pushed in with one long thrust, reveling in the startled yelp/choked scream he got in response. 

“Too much for you?” Yuri smirked.

“Oh, are you in? You just surprised me shoving my legs up like that!” Victor said tartly.

Snarling, Yuri started hammering the man’s ass mercilessly. Smart ass bastard thought he was going to get the last laugh? He had another thing coming! Soon Yuri would have him begging to be allowed to come! But he wouldn’t be allowed! Not until he said how wonderfully Yuri was fucking him! And then-

“Stop! Stop! Seriously!”

Yuri frowned. That was not at all what he was expecting to hear. “What?” he growled.

“You are dripping blood all over me. It’s really gross!” As Yuri watched another drop of blood dripped from his nose, landing on Victor’s cheek. Victor scowled and scrubbed it off with the edge of a blanket that showed evidence of quite a bit more of Yuri’s blood.

“Oh...:” Yuri slid free, rubbing a hand gingerly over his face. His nose was bleeding less than before, but it was pretty disgusting.

“I shouldn’t have asked you to do this. Don’t worry about it, I’m sure I can find someone else when I leave the tower,” Victor scrubbed at his face with a clean piece of the blanket.

Yuri almost hissed. How dare this impudent moron! Who the hell did he think he was! He was nothing but a sheltered jackass who thought he had magic hair! Yuri grabbed Victor’s arm and swung the man up as he fell forward, twisting to land gently on his back. 

Victor gaped down at him from his new position straddling Yuri’s calves. Yuri bared his teeth in a feral grin. “Just sit on my cock and shut your mouth for once,” he growled.

“Oh.” Victor squeaked.

Slowly, Victor edged up Yuri’s body and positioned himself over Yuri’s straining erection. Yuri helped position his cock then arched a challenging eyebrow at the man, “Well? What are you waiting for?”

The words had the expected result, and Victor shoved himself down in one fell swoop and landing with a squeaky gasp. 

Yuri gave him a moment to readjust before jerking his hips experimentally. Victor moaned and tried bouncing experimentally.

“Not like that, it’s not a fucking pogo stick,” Yuri griped. “Just roll your hips a bit, move up and down. It’s not necromancy, just do what feels good.”

Victor scowled down at him, but for once refrained from saying anything. Instead he gave his hips a tentative roll. “Oh! Oh that feels good… so good…” He repeated the move. Yuri encouraged him with hands on the man’s hips until he found the angle that made Victor’s eyes open wide and mouth gape. 

From there Victor was a natural. He writhed atop Yuri, moaning like a professional whore. He seemed to enjoy the hint of pain when Yuri’s claws grazed him, so Yuri lay back, claws running just above the sweaty skin moving above him. Not breaking the surface but adding a hint of danger to every move. 

“Oh… oh, yes…. there… more...yes!” Victor was babbling again, but Yuri found he didn’t mind. The helpless little sounds of pleasure were definitely preferable to letting the man open his mouth in any other instance. 

With both hands braced against Yuri’s thighs for balance, Victor was unable to bring a hand up to palm his own cock. Yuri briefly considered letting the man suffer until he risked falling, but he’d probably manage to crush Yuri’s dick in the process. 

Keeping one hand on Victor’s hip for guidance, Yuri trailed the tips of his claws along the man’s hip. He dipped one sharp tip briefly into Victor’s navel, winning a gasp and the rippling tightening of the muscles encasing his cock. The needle point then trailed down, skirting around the straining rod and tracing through the silver hair to scratch at Victor’s sack as it flopped against him. 

Even louder moans left Victor’s mouth when Yuri pulled on the bouncing balls, drawing a satisfied chuckle from Yuri. He moved his fingers back up, running along the underside of Victor’s cock until he reached the leaking head. Gripping lightly, Yuri ran his thumb over the sensitive head, listening to Victor’s voice catch and hiccup with each pass. Then, on a sudden whim, he dipped the very tip of his claw into the slit. 

Victor exploded with a scream, shooting so hard his come painted a line up Yuri’s chest and onto his face. The clench of muscle around his cock was too much, and Yuri followed quickly, filling the willing body above him until he felt his own seed dripping down his cock from the abused hole.

Sweat dripped down Victor’s arched body like a water slide, pooling briefly in the dip of his waist or navel before disappearing into the thatch of hair above his now limp dick. Yuri could feel the arms braced on his thighs shaking, so he reached up lazily and pulled the panting man forward so he collapsed across Yuri’s chest instead of backwards along his legs. For a brief moment they shared the silence as they both caught their breath. 

“So that’s… what it takes… to shut you up, huh,” Yuri smirked between pants.

“Well, I guess… it gets… a bit deeper… than a finger,” Victor sniped back. He straightened, groaning as Yuri’s spent cock slipped free from the motion. “I suppose it was better than masturbating, but… oh my god! Your face!”

“As the fucking idiot who broke my fucking nose you’ve kind of lost the ability to comment on it,” Yuri scowled. 

“No! That’s not… It’s healed! Look!” Victor attempted to jump from the bed, but only managed to bang his knees on the stone floor when his shaky legs failed to hold his weight. “Okay, well, there’s a mirror over there. Look!” He pointed to an ornate full length mirror along the wall. 

Yuri grumbled, but pulled himself from the bed and made his way to the, quite frankly hideous, mirror. The first thing he noticed was the line of come painting him from eyebrow to stomach, but the second thing was his nose. While some dried blood remained around it, the nose itself was straight and whole. 

“What the hell?” he poked carefully at his face, but there was no trace of the crippling pain from before.

“Oh my god! Do you think… Do you think that’s my healing power?” Victor had managed to lift himself back onto the bed while Yuri was examining his face. “It’s not my hair… it’s my…”

“Magical healing dick cream?”

“Well I wasn’t going to say it like that, but yes,” Victor glared at him. 

“Hmmm,” Yuri examined his nose again but could find no sign of the recent break. “Well, only one way to find out I guess.” Yuri drew a claw along his arm, making a thin scratch, before scooping some of the drying come from his chest and rubbing it over the cut.

“That really looks the opposite of sanitary,” Victor wrinkled his nose.

“But it worked.” Yuri held out his arm, which showed no sign of the recent scratch. 

“Wow! Amazing!” Victor grabbed his arm to see for himself. “Yakov will be so excited! Wow! Oh my god, this means I can finally cut my hair!”

“Wait, you’re going to tell your… possibly father who has been experimenting with your hair to find healing properties… that you have magical semen?” Yuri asked incredulously. 

“Huh? Yeah? Why…” Victor blinked. “Oh… oh wait… Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!”

“I mean if having your dad milking you dry to guzzle your come does it for you… more power to you, I guess? Not something I’d be into,” Yuri shrugged. 

“Nooooo! I’m not into that! I don’t want to be milked!” Victor yelped. “I really really REALLY need to get out of here before he could possibly find out! You have to help me!” Victor grabbed Yuri’s shoulders and shook him. 

“Stop it! Fuck, I’ll help you. It’s not like it’s that hard,” Yuri grumbled.

“What do I do?!” Victor actively worked his way toward a panic attack.

“You said there’s no knives here, are there no scissors as well?” Yuri ignored the panicked flailing of the man in front of him.

“Scissors? Yeah… Why… oh, hair… why didn’t I think of that?” Victor moved away to start rummaging about the room, presumably in search of scissors. 

“Because you’re an idiot,” Yuri mumbled.

“What did you say?” Victor looked up from a drawer.

“I said hurry up, I don’t have all day!” Yuri growled, throwing himself into a random chair to wait. 

“Found them!” Victor hurried over carrying a pair of children’s safety scissors. 

“Your dad really doesn’t trust you not to hurt yourself, does he,” Yuri said as he took the proffered scissors. 

“Shut up.” Victor spun around, presenting the back of his head. 

It took a lot longer than it should have, the scissors were short and far from the sharpest, but Yuri eventually managed to hack off the mass of silver hair just below Victor’s ears. 

“There. Now since you are too much of a chickenshit to climb down, I guess I can hold your hair for you to use as a rope. Stick it out the window.” Yuri tossed the scissors away.

“My head feels so light!” Victor spun in a circle “Wow! I can spin around without choking myself!”

“I really don’t want to know. Just get the rope ready.”

“Oh, right!” Victor gathered up the loose hair. When he finally found an end, the end Yuri had been chewing on judging by the tangled mess, he quickly tossed it out the window. Keeping a loose grip on the remainder he watched it slip down until it began to pool on the grass below. 

“Here,” Yuri took the end of the hair rope. “Put some clothes on and get going.”

“Thank you! For everything, really!” Victor pulled his clothes and quickly and gave Yuri a quick kiss on the cheek. “Um, you might want to wash the come off before you go out though? Just saying.”

Yuri briefly considered letting go of the hair once Victor had climbed out the window, but managed to resist the temptation until the man was safely on the ground. He then allowed himself to give into his pettiness and toss the hair so the rest of the mass landed in loops around Victor, knocking him to the ground. 

Ignoring the outraged cry from below he turned back to the tower room. At the very least he could clean up before heading out, and maybe there was something to eat somewhere.


	8. Sleeping Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor explores the world and makes a fascinating discovery.

Victor marveled at the grass beneath his feet. Everything looked so different from down here! The trees were so tall! Colors seemed brighter! Everything was amazing!

He flitted about from new thing to new thing, picking up rocks and sticks, poking at insects and just generally being a nuisance to any sort of life in his vicinity. Drunk on the freedom to go anywhere, he wandered tirelessly on. 

At one point he saw a small clearing in the woods, upon investigation he found a small cottage. It was made of dark wood and obviously built with solid functionality in mind. Even more interesting though, was that sleeping on the porch there was a dog! A big brown dog with curly fur and floppy ears. He’d read about dogs in books, but this was the first time Victor had seen a real one!

“Hi, doggy!” Victor ran over immediately. 

The dog lifted it’s head, tongue peeking from its mouth and wagged its tail. “Woof!”

“Such a good doggy!” Victor fell upon the dog, flopping its ears and rubbing its belly.

“Woof!” said the dog.

“Is this your house, doggy?” Victor stood up to peer through the window, though he couldn’t see anything through the checked curtains. “Hello? Is anyone there? Is this your dog?”

He waited, but there was no response.

“Oh no! Doggy, were you abandoned?!” Victor gasped.

“Woof!”

“You poor baby! How could someone abandon the bestest best doggy!” He hugged the dog close. “Don’t worry, I will take care of you! I’ll call you Makkachin, and we’re going to have amazing adventures together!”

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

Together Victor and Makkachin explored the forest and encountered many exciting animals. Once Makkachin chased a strange gray animal out of the bushes, but lost it when it scurried up a tree.

“Wow! That must be a koala! I read about them! They have gray fur and live in trees! Did you know they have a pouch for their babies?” Victor asked.

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

Another time Makkachin was digging in the dirt and unearthed a long and wriggly brown creature.

“I think you found an anaconda, Makkachin! You better be careful, they wrap around their prey and choke it to death!” Victor pulled Makkachin away from the hole.

And so, it was with great excitement that Victor followed the sound of Makkachin’s barking through the forest, curious to see the next amazing animal. 

What he found, though technically an animal, would not generally be considered an animal by most. It was the still form of a young man lying beneath an overgrowth of ivy. He was so still and pale, Victor wasn’t quite sure he was even alive. 

“I really hope you didn’t find a dead body, Makkachin.” Victor knelt next to the prone figure.

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

He held a hand over the body’s mouth and held his breath, only releasing it when he felt the slight warmth against his hand that meant he wasn’t dealing with a corpse.

“He’s not dead, Makkachin! He’s just asleep!” 

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

Victor made quick work of the thin layer of vines covering the form before he went about waking him. “Hey, wake up,” Victor said softly, gently shaking the man. 

Nothing happened.

“Wake up!” he said louder, tapping the man lightly on the cheek.

Nothing continued to happen.

“WAKE UP!” Victor shouted, slapping the man across the cheek as hard as he could.

But still nothing happened.

He sat back and considered the predicament. There was no sign of a wound that he could see, and the man’s breathing didn’t seem to be labored. Victor thought back on every book he had ever read, trying to discern a solution. Suddenly he remembered when he had read about a situation just like this!

“He must be in a diabetic coma, Makkachin!” Victor scrambled up. “I need an IV and insulin, stat!”

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

“You’re right, I know we don’t have those! That’s what the book said, though!” He collapsed on the ground. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

“That’s right! I could heal him! But… there’s nothing wrong with him on the outside…” Victor put a finger to his lips and thought. “Maybe I should cut a hole and come inside that? Where would I cut it though? I don’t know where the diabetes is! I don’t think I could cut a hole in someone anyway, let alone masturbate into it!”

“Woof!” said Makkachin, then proceeded to lift a leg and begin licking his balls.

“Good idea! If I can get the semen in that way, maybe it will be far enough inside to help!” He carefully removed the man’s clothes, folding them neatly to one side before taking off his own clothes to add to the pile. It was only then that he realized a dilemma. “Drat it, there’s no lotion!”

Makkachin didn’t respond, far more engrossed in his balls.

“Oh! That could work! I guess if I do accidentally hurt him it will get fixed when I come anyway…” Victor nodded to himself. He carefully lifted the other man’s legs into the position Yuri had used, exposing the puckered opening. Swishing his tongue around a bit, he gathered up a mouthful of spit and spat it onto the hole. Before it could slip away, he prodded the spit down, following it into the man’s body. 

The heat clenching around his finger had his own cock coming to life, but he ignored it for now, instead concentrating on loosening and stretching until two of his fingers slipped easily inside. Makkachin finally abandoned his balls and came over to give the still man a sniff before plopping his head down on the almost still chest to watch Victor.

“Okay, here goes nothing,” Victor took a deep breath before pushing into the most likely not near wet enough opening. 

“Oh god, so hot and tight, Makkachin,” he gasped. “Being on the receiving end was amazing, but this is fantastic too!” Makkachin wagged his tail and watched.

Victor quickly forgot everything but the feeling of pistoning into the warmth beneath him. His fingers clenched around the man’s legs, but he didn’t notice. There was only the heat enveloping his cock and the delicious friction. He was so lost in the sensation that his own orgasm took him by surprise. 

With a cry, he spilled deep within the still body, filling it with his healing essence. Panting he stayed inside, keeping the legs raised to make sure every possible drop of semen went as deep into the other man’s body as possible.

Eventually, though, he could no longer remain upright. Victor slipped free and collapsed on the grass, hoping he’d done enough. Makkachin trotted over to join him and together they watched the yet unmoving figure.

They must have drifted off, because Victor jolted awake when the man groaned.

“He’s moving! Makkachin, it worked!” He knelt beside the body, watching eagerly as brown eyes filled with confusion slowly opened. “Are you okay? Does it hurt anywhere?” 

“Wha…” the man croaked. Victor helped him sit up, keeping an arm behind his back to support him. “Where am I? Who are you? Why are you naked? ...Why am I naked?!”

“My name’s Victor! I’m not sure where we are, sorry. I just know we’re in the forest! We’re naked because you were in a life threatening coma and I had to have sex with you to save your life. You have to be naked to have sex,” Victor added knowingly. 

“You...what? What do you mean you had to have sex with me!?” The man seemed to be getting overwhelmed, and Victor couldn’t really blame him. 

He opened his mouth to explain, but froze. What if other people found out about his healing semen? He might be captured and milked constantly! He couldn’t not explain, though… the poor man deserved to have some idea what had happened. 

“My penis has healing powers,” Victor said simply, deciding that was close enough to not really be a lie. 

“Come again?” the man gaped.

“I just came a little bit ago to help you, I couldn’t possibly get hard again yet!” Victor pouted.

“What… Nevermind. You said your name was Victor?” Victor nodded “I’m Yuuri. Nice to meet you, I guess?”

“Nice to meet you, too!” Victor grabbed one of Yuuri’s hand and shook it vigorously just like he’d read about. 

“Woof!” said Makkachin.

“Vicchan?!” Yuuri froze. “No, you’re too big to be Vicchan…”

“This is Makkachin!” Victor threw an arm around Makkachin’s fluffy shoulders.”We’ve been having amazing adventures the last few days! We ran a koala up a tree, dug up an anaconda, all sorts of things!”

“I… see.” Yuuri rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“He was all alone at an empty house and I saved him!” Victor said, full of pride at his noble deed.

“Was the house abandoned or was his owner just not home?” Yuuri asked suspiciously.

“The house was empty,” Victor cocked his head, confused by why Yuuri wasn’t impressed by his nobility. He’d saved two lives in just a couple of days, after all!

“Yes, but why was the house empty? Was the owner out or gone for good?” the other man persisted.

“There wasn’t anyone there! They abandoned him!” Victor hugged Makkachin tightly, still horrified anyone could do such a horrible thing to such a good dog.

“You’re… different, aren’t you,” Yuuri shook his head. Spying the pile of clothes he began to dress, tossing Victor’s garments in his direction.

“Different?” Victor frowned. “I’m not different. My dad says I have special needs.”

“I bet he does,” Yuuri mumbled. Suddenly he stilled. “Shit! The goose!”

Yuuri spun around, scanning the forest frantically. Obviously not seeing what he was seeking, he began to scramble through the vine growth and rustle through bushes.

“What are you looking for?” Victor finished buttoning his shirt and stood to pull on his pants. 

“The goose that lays golden eggs! It was in my bag when I fell off the beanstalk!” Yuuri had moved from poking at bushes to lifting up rocks and peering behind trees.

“Geese don’t lay golden eggs. Goose eggs are a white or cream color and an average of 7.5-11.5cm long,” Victor informed Yuuri, watching the man’s frenzied searching with a feeling of pity.

The other man continued overturning any bit of nature that he found. “That’s… fascinating, but this isn’t a normal goose. It’s some kind of magic or something.”

Victor considered that for a moment. “I’ve never heard of a magic goose… that doesn’t sound very realistic.”

Yuuri stopped, turning to stare at Victor. “You just told me that you saved my life by healing me with your magic penis.”

“Yes? I did. So?” Victor didn’t understand what Yuuri was trying to get at with all of these random statements. 

“Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.” Yuuri gave up and crumpled to the ground, dropping his head into his hands. “It’s gone. That was my only chance to help my family! And poor Guang Hong… I should have never climbed that stupid beanstalk.”

“There there,” Victor awkwardly patted Yuuri’s back. “I’m sure there’s other ways to help your family. Have you thought about getting a job?” The shoulders beneath Victor’s hands tensed, but then relaxed. 

“You’re right. There’s a lot of people worse off.” Yuuri shook his head and climbed to his feet. 

Victor blinked. “I don’t think I said anything like that?”

“Of course not. Come on, let’s find a road so I can figure out where we are. Once we get back to my family I’m sure we can find your dad. I can have my mom ask around and find that dog’s owner too.” Yuuri nodded to himself, pleased to have a plan of action.

“You can’t tell my dad where I am!” Victor protested, then the rest of what Yuuri had said registered. “And Makkachin is MY dog. I rescued him!”

“What? You don’t want to find your dad? Aren’t you lost?” Yuuri asked. 

“No! If he finds me he’s going to lock me up and milk me so he can drink my semen!” Victor grabbed Yuuri’s shoulders, shaking him as he spoke. “I don’t want to live my life like a cow!”

“He... huh?” Yuuri grabbed Victor’s arms to stop the manic shaking. “Your dad drinks your semen?!”

“Not yet! I ran away before he could! He’s been experimenting with my hair, but there’s nothing he wants more than to get my magic down his throat!” Victor broke away and started pacing. He couldn’t go back! 

“Is your dad the one who told you that you have a magic penis?” Yuuri asked slowly.

“What? No, he told me I have magic hair. It was after I had sex with the cat who attacked my hair and ended up in the tower I was locked away in that I realized the magic wasn’t actually in my hair at all,” Victor explained. “It doesn’t matter, though, because it’s going to be a super secret from now on! You can’t tell anyone!” He ran back to grip Yuuri’s arms. “No one!”

Yuuri gently pried Victor’s hands off. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. I think I know a nice place that would be willing to help you adjust to the world now that you’ve escaped from your… tower was it? I’m sure they’d be really interested to hear about your dad. They would totally understand if you don’t want to find him, though! Let’s just find a road and get to my village, then everything will be just fine.” Yuuri put an arm around Victor’s shoulders and let him into the woods. 

“Okay… but Makkachin is mine! You can’t give him back to people who abandoned him!” Victor pouted. 

“Of course not. You rescued him from an anaconda, right?” Yuuri said soothingly.

“Yeah! And he chased a koala! And then-”

The two men headed off in search of Yuuri’s town.

And they all lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this cracktastic fairy tale! This is my first time writing a ronde but it was really fun!


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